Browsing Archives for February 2010

When I was in college (back in the bronze age, when the bible existed only on stone tablets and it’s teaching that the world was flat was still widely accepted) I was involved with several campus christian groups and through one of them I found myself marching with a group of anti-abortion activists in a downtown parade in Lawrence, Kansas.  I don’t really remember much about the parade, but I do remember what happened directly afterwards.

At the end of the parade, we were told that a pro-life movie was going to be shown in the Lawrence public library.  They were serving coffee and donuts along with the film. That was enough to convince me to go.

When I arrived at the library, there was a short, blond, bustling woman wheeling a video cart across the meeting room.  I knew her because she was kind of famous.  She was married to a world record breaking runner who would eventually become a US congressman and serve Kansas from 1996 to 2007.  I had a close friend who was on the KU track team and together we had attended a few bible studies with this very devout woman and her Olympic silver medalist husband as they were both involved in the KU campus ministry for college athletes.  I worked my way to the front of the room to say hello, but before I reached her, she put a tape in the VCR and announced that the movie was about to start.

I sat down near the front of the room.  The woman then pushed the play button and the TV screen was filled with static and wavy lines.  The woman pushed a few more buttons on the VCR growing visibly frustrated and then she placed both of her hands on the VCR and began to pray aloud.

Holy Jesus… I ask you to cast the demon out of this machine and let this film be seen by all that are gathered here today.  Fill this room and this VCR with your holy spirit and let the message of this movie be heard…”

A librarian was hustled up by some of the event’s other organizers to fix the VCR.  She approached the video cart and began to fiddle with the wires in the back of the machine.   While the librarian worked on the machine, the bustling blond continued praying with her hands still on the VCR, and her head bowed over the machine.

“Almighty god… we need you to hear us… Listen to us!… Cast the demons out of this VCR and let these people hear the message you have for us today!… ”

I didn’t know what to do.  I kind of felt like I should be praying with this woman, but I didn’t know how to cast a demon out of a VCR!  Heck!  I didn’t know how to cast a demon out of anything! Besides! I didn’t want to close my eyes and bow my head!  I wanted to SEE what was going to happen next!

“In Jesus name I command the demons in this machine, in this room, in this LIBRARY wherever they ARE, I command them in JESUS NAME  to be GONE!…”

The discomfort of the librarian who was working on the VCR grew more palpable as she furiously plugged and unplugged wires frantically trying to get that machine going.

“Release this machine from the grip of the devil, Lord Jesus and set this movie FREE!!!…”

Finally, the librarian came around to the front of the TV set and pushed play.  The film flickered to life.  The blond, bustling woman who was married to the world record breaking runner finished out her prayer.

“Thank you Jesus!  Thank you Jesus!  Thank you Jesus!”

She kept repeating those three words as she rapidly clapped her hands and then thanked Jesus some more.

The librarian looked at the bubbly blond exorcist for a brief moment.  Her eyes were wide.  She looked out at us, the shell shocked audience seated in front of the TV as if she was waiting for someone… anyone… to say something sane.  We reserved the right to remain silent.  The librarian fled the room.

I don’t remember a single second of the movie that we watched that day.

But I vividly remember every moment of the fervent exorcism of the demon possessed VCR.

That was the last time I ever participated in an anti-abortion demonstration.

What If I’m Wrong?

February 25th, 2010

A few days ago this question appeared in the comments of this blog.

What if you’re wrong?

So yes…

What if I am wrong?

What if there is a god?

And what if there is not only a god, but one that is righteously pissed off because I am writing a daily screed against the entire idea of his/her existence?

Will I go to hell for being such an unrepentant bad ass?

Will I spend eternity slowly roasting over the flames created by god’s holy indignation?

Will I have to weep.

And gnash

My teeth

Forever?

I’ve decided that I’m not going to answer this question…

I’m going to let Richard Dawkins answer it for me.

Because he knows all about the Great Juju at the bottom of the sea.

And I don’t.

.

I was at a neighboring highschool a few weeks ago for one of my son’s basketball games when I saw this display in the hallway.

Evidently the sport of wrestling is biblically sound.

You might recall the story of Jacob wrestling with some sort of supernatural being until his thigh is injured and then blah, blah blah, hooey, blah, hooey, blah, blessing, blessing, blah, hooey, blah, blah.

Sorry if I seem a little uh… disrespectful of the bible these days.

But really!

Why is this in a public highschool?  Is this supposed to make wrestling more holy or something?  Is it supposed to make wrestlers feel less awkward in those funny singlets?  Is this supposed to help the the wrestlers find Jesus?  Does this highschool really want the students to believe that a supernatural being came down from heaven and wrestled all night long with a man, hurt his thigh, and then the man demanded a blessing?  What exactly is the value in this bit of weirdness?  How does teaching kids utter nonsense help them to use their brains and learn stuff like… maybe science… or math!

 

And is this angel really wrestling with Jacob?

Or is she (he?) trying to teach him how to dance?

Now put your other hand on my shoulder Jacob.  No my other shoulder.  Put it on my shoulder!  Are you a complete moron Jacob?  Do you know what a shoulder is Jacob?  Maybe less time raping your wives’ slaves and more time studying anatomy?  You are clearly related to that meat-head sociopath Abraham aren’t you Jacob?  Dance is proof of civilization Jacob.  It separates us from the apes.  Have you ever watched any ice dancing Jacob?  Dancing is clear evidence of evolution. You are capable of incredible poetry Jacob.  If only you people would forget about me and all this god stuff and start using your beautifully evolved brains!  Now step, one, two!  Step, one, two!  Good!  Maybe there is hope for you yet Jacob!