Browsing Archives for October 2009

Tales from the Exam Room

October 20th, 2009

This post originally ran in April 2007

The country doctor had the sad task today to inform a nice elderly lady that she had cancer. The lady came in with her husband and they sat together in the office while the country doctor went over the various options for her treatment.

After the lady and the doctor had talked quite a while, the country doctor turned towards the husband who had been silent throughout the entire discussion.

“Bob” asked the country doctor wanting to comfort the man, “Do you have any questions?”

Bob was silent for quite a while and then he said, “Well…I have this hole…right here in my tooth – and I can stick the end of a toothpick all the way in it. Do I have a cavity?”

A Letter From Uncle Dave

October 18th, 2009

My brother-in-law, Dave recently underwent some surgery to remove a melanoma on his face. Here follows his hysterical recount of the events leading up to and immediately following his surgery which he sent out in a recent family e-mail. I should probably also note that he was still under the influence of both post-op anesthesia and some heavy duty narcotics while he was writing it….

Fam
Underwent a little surgery this morning to remove a pesky Melanoma that had taken up residence on my left cheek. They put me to sleep a good looking young man and I woke up with a face that only a mother can love (think Mike). The good news is that they probably got all the bad stuff out and after a little healing and makeup, I will soon be able to resume my modeling career. The part of my face that was extracted is now laying in a petri dish waiting to be examined by a nerdy lab technician. I should have the results by Tuesday or Wednesday of next week and hopefully will be able to put this all behind me and resume my daily visits to Planet Tan.  In the interest of educating my closest blood relatives on the dangerous combination of Melanoma and stupidity, I will tell you how this little story started:

Chain of events-
2006ish/2007ish Red spot develops on cheek – not exactly sure when – I have gone back now and I can see it in pictures – looks like I had some kind of spot in area as far back as 10 years…

2007ish/2008ish – Notice red spot and think that I have a broken blood vessel or ingrown hair.

2008ish -Red spot grows larger – takes on pinkish color around the edges – Wife notices and does not approve – Isabel mentions that she does not like it. Because of the color I still do not suspect that I have a problem. I am thinking this is just part of the normal aging process and ignore my wife and daughter’s concerns.

2009 Summer – Notice that spot takes on a special “glow” after sun exposure and start to wonder if maybe I actually do need to get this checked out by a doctor. Wife insists that I get an appointment with dermatologist just to be safe.

Wednesday, October 7Th – Go see Dr James Bond (real name) dermatologist in Grapevine. He takes a small biopsy of spot and tells me the results will be back on Friday. At this time Bond or as he says his name “James Bond” says that he expects that he will have me back in to his office to cut or freeze of the spot (local anesthetic) if for no other reason than to make my wife happy. He says “doesn’t look like anything dangerous” – “no worries” as he finishes of another Martini.

Friday, October 10Th – Log on to Dr James Bond website to get prognosis and I see a message that I need to call their office immediately. I call and Bond is out to lunch. Later in the day as I am shopping at Walmart I get a call from Dr Bond’s office. A woman (named Domino) is on the line and she asks me if I am somewhere where I can talk. I tell Domino that I usually take my most important calls around the Walmart meat counter so she allows me time to shop my way over to that area of the store. She then proceeds to tell me that I have Melanoma cancer on my face and that I need to get this removed ASAP! Chills run down my spine and the knees start getting a little weak. I stumble over and lean on a trimmed brisket as she proceeds to ask me “do you know what Melanoma is?” I sputter —choke “Yes….I’ve heard it can be bad!” Shortness of breath now stomach churning, cold sweats.. I lay across the 80/20 ground beef and use a shoulder roast as a pillow. Domino tells me that James Bond does not remove Melanomas from the face and she gives me a long list of plastic surgeons in our area that they recommend to do the work. “You’ll need a plastic surgeon honey, cause they’re gonna have to cut you really deep” here is where I faint, only to wake up hours later with a “REDUCED FOR QUICK SALE” – “39 CENTS A POUND” sticker on my forehead.

———-
–Agonizing weekend with little to no information on my future on this earth. Volleyball team (Isabel’s) I am coaching loses all three games (now 0-6) and the parents are calling for my head. I contemplate casually dropping the “C” word to save my job, but decide to hold that card and mumble stuff about “strength of schedule” and “winning isn’t everything”. They will give me one more week to turn it around.

Wednesday October 14Th – Dr. Wright general surgeon – After calling the one thousand plastic surgeons that live in my area and finding out that they are on vacation or that they “don’t do insurance” or, even worse, “don’t do cancer”.  I make an appointment with a large burly general surgeon who I am glad to report is named Dr. Wright. I go see Dr. Wright at 3:30 expecting to have the procedure done in his office and then driving myself home…..NOT HAPPENIN’.  Dr Wright tells me I am wrong and informs me that I will need to be put under general anesthesia and have surgery at the Grapevine Surgery center. Wants to cut it out tomorrow morning….It’s on!!!!

Thursday October 15Th – Today – laying on my bed writing a long e-mail under the influence of painkiller and burning off a little of the general anesthesia. Face is sore. Head feels three feet thick (as opposed to the usual 2.5 feet). Still scared and not afraid to admit it. I did, however, enjoy writing this e-mail.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo here is what u need to do:
If you have not already, make an appointment with a dermatologist and have them check your whole body for skin cancer….might as well…10% of Melanomas occur in family clusters and our cluster is growing — Here is a scary stat that my wife threw down last night ” 4 out of the 6 men in the family have had cancer – not good odds – don’t be a fool GO GET CHECKED…

Just so you will not be so shocked when you see me next week I have attached this post-op picture of myself:


=Viewer discretion advised=

 

scroll down
scroll down
scroll down
scroll down
 
 

 
scroll down
scroll down
scroll down

scroll down
scroll down

scroll down
scroll down

scroll down
scroll down
scroll down
scroll down
scroll down
scroll down
scroll down

scroll down
scroll down
scroll down

scroll down
scroll down
scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not bad eh!!!!!

I love you all,
Uncle Dave

Name That Idol

October 14th, 2009

Spirit Week concluded on Friday at my son’s school, with ‘Idol Day’.

We got Drew all dressed up as one of his ‘idols’ with a thin moustache, the proper amount of padding, and the right shirt when suddenly he was struck by a serious bout of self-conciousness and wanted to take it all back off and just forget it.

I told Drew that his costume was hilarious and the teachers and kids would love it, but if he didn’t want to go throught with it that was okay.

After a while he decided to go ahead and wear his costume to school.

He had a great day.

A teacher at school dressed up as the uh… other team’s coach… and Drew and Mr. S. took turns leading opposing cheers during lunch.

Can you guess who Drew’s idol was?

I’ll give you a hint… his idol is just a tad on the ‘hefty’ side.