Joys and Concerns, The Interior Crustacean Edition

September 30th, 2009

Pastor – At this time in our service, I would like to hear any joys or concerns that the congregation may have.  Does anyone have any joy or concerns?  Or any joyful concerns?  Anything?  Anything at all….?  Yes – Mrs Peters.

Mrs. Peters – My daughter had been diagnosed with chronic lower back pain.

Congregation – GASP

Mrs. Peters – Yes… and she if finding it very difficult to drive to work.

Congregation – GASP!!!

Mrs. Peters – Her boyfriend has been driving her, but they aren’t getting along on account of that mishap at the Painted Pig when this girl named Deronda showed up with her eight month old daughter and claimed that my daughter’s boyfriend was the father and now he is waiting to hear the blood test results and my daughter can’t even believe he agreed to the tests because they have been going out for four years and then….

Pastor – THANK YOU MRS PETERS!  We will certainly add your daughter… Jolene isn’t it?  Yes we will pray for Jolene.  Anyone else?  Oh yes… Mr. Wright…

Mr. Wright – I am having an MRI done on Monday.

Congregation – GASP!

Pastor – We will certainly pray that everything goes well Mr. Wright…

Mr. Wright  - The doctor thinks I might have a growth in my caterpillaries because of the troubles with my anterior crucifix.

Pastor  - Your anterior what?

Mr. Wright – My anterior crucifix… or… uh… my crustacean… I am having troubles with my interior crustacean.

Pastor -I’m sorry Mr. Wright.  Was that an anterior crustacean or an interior crustacean?

Mr  Wright – Yes… an interior crustacean… on account of I can’t breathe too good when I am laying down and also the troubles with my uh… well with my uh… um… there have been some lower bisextional trouble too.

Congregation – GASPPPPPPPP!!!

Pastor – Thank you Mr. Wright!  We will add you to the list.  Anyone else?  Joys?  Are there any joys this week?  Betty Baggins!  Do you have a joy for us today?

Betty – No… not really… I don’t think this is much of a joy, but I’m not really sure.

Pastor – Oh… well you tell us Betty and we’ll decide.

Betty – Alright.  You see, my nephew’s girlfriend’s cousin’s step mom’s step son’s neighbor’s friend was in a car wreck last night!

Congregation –  GASP GASP GASP!

Pastor – Your nephew’s girlfriend’s cousin’s step mom’s step son’s what?  I lost you after that.

Betty – You can just call him Bud.

Pastor – We will be praying for Bud.

Betty – I guess I kind of have a joy too.

Pastor – Great!  Let’s hear it.

Betty – The lump that they found in my limp nodes is benign.

Pastor – Was that the limp lump or the lump in your limp?

Betty  - Both… and the doctor said it was the size of a cantaloupe!

Congregation – Big sucking gasp that ends in a second mini gasp.

Pastor – Praise the heavens!

Betty – He said it was almost like I had a second head coming out of my… uh… out of my ….uh…

Pastor – Great Betty! We will add your second head to our list of joys!  And now… anyone else?  Yes!  Mr. Brewster!

Mr. Brewster – I would like to pray for all the world leaders.

Pastor – Yes!  We should always keep our world leaders in our prayers.  Thank you Mr. Brewster.

Mr. Brewster – I would like to ask that the Good Lord would give our world leaders guidance and to help them to see the repugnance of the nations.

Pastor – The repugnance of the nations?

Mr. Brewster – And the demonization of the markets and the Satanization of the price of rubies versus the gold standard.  Let them all repent of their evil deficit spending and turn back to God and to gold.

Pastor – Well… Yes… we should always lift up our world leaders and keep them in our prayers.  Yes… Uh… In the back… Sadie Gray.  Surely you have a joy for us Sadie!

Sadie – My grandson came in third in his sixth grade class spelling bee.  And my other grandson received a 2 at the local music festival but that was only because the judges were all from Newton and everyone knows that Newton hates us.  Also – my granddaughter is all better from the head cold she had on Thursday.  And my neighbor Lila would like us to remember her dog and her hydrangeas as they are both covered in fungus and open sores.

Congregation – Awwwwwww.

Pastor – Wow!  That is a lot to be grateful for and also extremely disturbed about Sadie.  You never disappoint me Sadie.  Let’s go to God in prayer shall we…

Comments

  • jaxcheryl:

    Had to come out of lurking to laff my socks off and say that picture is glorious!

  • jamoody:

    Too funny…

  • You are too much. Only an experienced and toughened Woman of God could bring this story to us. Erma Bombeck has nothing on you, Rechelle. You are an absolute delight to follow, and I will never again be able to keep a straight face in church.

    EFH

  • Yep, that’s how it usually goes. Unless you attend a really large church where they don’t have time for such, and don’t care anyhow.

  • Ha ha had me laughing out loud in my office. Even your pastor is a comedian and probably has to be with a congregation like that! Really good!

  • arlene:

    My church’s joys/concerns time is boring compared to this. Can I come visit? Better wear my Depends tho. BTW, I have a joy. That photo is awesome!

  • LOL! Sometimes it does seem that way, doesn’t it? The ones that get me are the prayers that basically direct God in how to direct the affairs of men based on the supplicator’s political preferences. Gotta love those.

    That photo is gorgeous, btw. You are really getting the hang of that camera!

  • Sarah H.:

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha snork ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha urp ha ha …. ha ha

  • Barb:

    I love your writing. You are so creative.

    When is the book coming out????

  • Well, at least the congregation are keeping God and the pastor entertained…

    A 30-day-makeover… mmm.. I’m too lazy and old for that kind of thing. Well, that’s my excuse.

  • Mmmmmm. I think either the members of the congregation need hearing aids or their Doctors mumble. Just goes to show you what people hear or are they not paying attention…can’t spell or don’t know how to look stuff up on the inernet!! Still really funny!
    Sandy

  • Um. I can’t get my thirty day project done by midnight. I have all the materials though! Can I have a couple more weeks? Pretty please?

  • Thanks for the laughs! I love those concerned segues into truly private info!

  • HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That SO sounds like the church I attended as a small girl in a tiny town in Kansas that had about 30 members and so most of the people in attendance knew all the issues anyway but it was still required that you tell it all over again in church and maybe amplify it just a little bit to make sure God knew all the juicy details. You’re like Erma Bombeck and Garrison Keillor in some weird mix. I love it!

  • Oh my! Now I’m not going to be able to behave myself during the “Prayers of the People” next Sunday …

  • LOLOLOLOL!

    Love the GASPS especially!

  • Sorry Clayvessel – but no. Besides I’ve seen your pottery and your cakes and you are just not weak and shaky enough to win.

  • Ronda:

    I’m glad to hear it’s not just our congregation. Would you please add our son’s earthworm, Roly, who got lost today in the vast expanse of a 5 year old’s shirt. I’m only mentioning it here because he’s going to raise his hand to share on Sunday. I thought I’d get a jump-start!

  • ACK

    I. am. crushed.

    truly.

  • As a pastor’s wife, I can bear witness to the fact that those joys and concerns are too true and too funny.

    And they remind me of one prayer request I heard where an older gentlemen said he went to the doctor and found out that his “testes weren’t no good.” (He meant to say, “tests.”)