Browsing Archives for August 2009

I wish I had a wife.

I wish I had a wife that was always moving everything around in her world to accommodate me.

I wish I had a wife who would give up her career to take care of my kids, the laundry, the groceries, the meals, the bills, the schools, and whatever else it is that wives do, so that I could devote myself entirely to myself.

I wish I had a wife so that I had someone I could control.

I wish I had a wife so that I could tell her everything that she does wrong and how to do it better.

I wish I had a wife so that when she had a nervous break down and came to me in tears and tells me that her life is not turning out the way she hoped it would, I could remind her that my life is harder than hers and that she really has a great life, a wonderful life… a life that anyone would love to live.

I wish I had a wife so that whenever we got in a fight, I could tell her what a great guy I am.

I wish I had a wife so that I always have someone around that I am waaaaaaaay smarter than.

I wish I had a wife so that I could have someone to utterly ignore and completely forget that she even exists.

I wish I had a wife so that someone would always remember what my favorite foods are and never forget to turn on the back porch light when I am working late

I wish I had a wife so that I could never turn on the back porch light when she is late and have absolutely no idea what she likes to eat.

I wish I had a wife to buy my clothes because I don’t have time and I hate to shop and then I could tell her to return them all because I don’t want them.

I wish I had a wife so that I could not know anything about her.

I wish I had a wife so that after ten years of marriage I could still bring her a cup of coffee black, even though she doesn’t drink her coffee black and never has… oh! and then make her feel bad when she asks me to put some cream in it.

I wish I had a wife so that when I come home to a sparking clean house with four sparkling clean kids that have all their homework done who are all piled together on the couch watching a movie together I could look at them all with smoking disdain for not being more useful human beings.

I wish I had a wife so that when she mentions that there are a few things she would like to do when she is on vacation, I could completely ignore them and do only what I want to do.

I wish I had a wife who volunteered to do stuff in our community so that I could have more important obligations that require her to not be able to follow through on her volunteer jobs.

I wish I had a wife so that whenever she asked me for something, I could drag my feet or tell her that she doesn’t really need it.

I wish I had a wife so that whenever we pass something that is interesting to her and she would like to see it closer, I could remind her that I am very busy and important and don’t have time.

I wish I had a wife so that whenever she learns something new, I could always know more about it than she ever will.

I wish I had a wife so that eventually, she will realize that only I matter in our relationship, but if she gets upset enough or threatens to leave me, I might let her do what she wants… or at least I will let her think I will.

I wish I had a wife to love me because I am so worth it.

Isn’t having a wife the greatest thing ever!

I wish I had a wife.