Browsing Archives for May 2009

Attention readers of this blog!?!?! This blog is about ME! Not about my little sister, April! So all of you who have been posting comments of concern and compassion about April setting her hair on fire on Christmas Eve can just back off! She is fine! A little whiny and mopey AND bossy as usual, but fine! If you want to be all hyper-concerned and large eyes swimming in grief about my sister and her singed hair – please do so on her blog!!!

Besides this is what really happened…

We drove to Lawrence to spend Christmas Eve with my sister and her family and to later attend Christmas Eve services at my sister’s church. We arrived at April’s cute little farmhouse where she had set out quite an impressive larder including crunchy toffee nut thingys, stuffed mushrooms, homemade cookies, pioneer woman’s bacon cracker wraps and a marvelous clam chowder. The men played cards, the woman talked, we all stuffed our gullets. At one point I got locked out of the house, and no one seemed to care so I decided it was time to light my sister on fire.

We arrived at the church a half an hour early which seemed kind of ludicrous to myself and the Country Doctor so after dropping off my sister’s family, my parents and most of our own children, we peeled out in front of the church and spun off to go find some gas for our empty tank. When we got back to the church, we picked up a program and some little Christmas Eve candles in the church foyer. We then encouraged Jack, our six year old to also get a candle, but the lady working the candle box admonished us saying, and lo unto us a six year old is not given candles unless the six year old is twelve years oldeth. So I shouted, “Hey Uptight Candle Lady – look over yonder – unto the manger! I do believe it is the fabled Star of Bethlehem come to rest directly over your house!” While she contorted her body to look for the star – I grabbed a fistful of candles to pass out to all my young’uns thinking, Church rules be damnedmy babies are sure as hell gonna celebrate this Christmas Eve with a fiery candle in their grimy little paws!

We found our seats with the rest of the family and proceeded with the evenings festivities. First there were some readings and some songs… followed immediately by some more readings and some more songs… and after that… more readings and more songs. Sometimes we stood up and sometimes we remained seated. I kept trying to figure out what the trigger was for standing up. Was there an ancient rune symbol inscribed on the program, visible only to the pure of heart? Was there a light that flashed at the back, signaling the head singer lady to make us all stand up? It seemed kind of random as to why exactly we would stand up for Angels We Have Heard on High but remain seated for O Little Town of Bethlehem However, the constant movement kept the young’uns from getting too fidgety with the added bonus of giving my niblet of a brain a chewy problem with which to wrassle, in lieu of making life altering promises to God. There was also a point in the service, where the folks up front veered off the path of the printed program and sang the songs in the WRONG ORDER!!! I felt it was my duty to sing the RIGHT song even when everyone else was singing the WRONG song. Later when they were actually scheduled to sing the WRONG song in the RIGHT place – I sang the RIGHT song – thus keeping everyone around me aware of the fact, that I could actually read and was the only person in the entire church correctly following the program.

Finally – it was time to light the candles. I didn’t want the candle cop lady to tackle us all and take away our candles, so as I lit six year old Jack and Ike’s candles, I sort of half pretended to be holding their candles too. The only problem being that I am a blogger and this was certainly a blog – children – with candlelight on their faces – looking all angelic and holy – it must be photographed as evidence that the possibility exists. So I let Jack and Ike hold their own candles as I got out my camera to take a few shots.

I do realize that church is not the ideal place to be taking photos. Our minds are supposed to be centered on other things… holy things… like how I still have nineteen presents at home to wrap and how I have to remember to thaw out the roast for tomorrow and how I better get another gallon of milk on my way home, and how…Dear Heavenly father please don’t let me be out of rum. Please…please… don’t let me be out of rum. ..

So as I was attempting to very discreetly take a few pictures of the kids with their candles, April started poking me in the back. She was sitting behind me with her husband and my parents and MY husband – while somehow, I was sitting in the row ahead with ALL the kids. I figured April was going to tell me to stop taking pictures, so I ignored her. But she continued rasping her nails on my back and making gurgling noises in her throat. I kept right on ignoring her because hey – I am just taking a few little pictures and it is dark and these people don’t know me and I promise to stop when the lights go back on and Dear Heavenly Father please, please, please don’t let us be out of rum cause I am really gonna need some the minute I get home. Finally April leaned forward to tell me that Ike was just about to drip wax on his hands and to please grab his candle! So I set Ike’s candle up straighter – but it was too late. When April leaned forward to tell me about Ike’s candle, her hair fell forward off her shoulder and caught fire.

As she and my parents rapidly patted out the flames in her hair, I used the distracting commotion she was creating to get the kids to build a pyramid climbing on each other’s backs holding their candles aloft for a great Christmas Eve photo. After all no one was looking at me they were all looking at the tall blonde with the flaming hair. Unfortunately that shot didn’t turn out, but you can imagine how good it would have been.

And that is a
ll there is to it! Good grief! Hardly a story at all! Now can we please all focus on me again? I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

Love Letters

May 15th, 2009

The following letter fell out of the laundry a few days ago. I cropped the first page to protect the identity of the sender and the intended recepient. It is about the cutest thing I have ever read and to think it is actually written on a KLEENEX! The author of this letter is going to break a few hearts, but the real question is… Did she break his?

Fowllow the arrows – I hope she doesn’t have brilliant speller at the top of her list of most desirable attributes in future mate.

See how he gives her time to prepare herself! What a sensitive soul.

The all important questions… Have you ever liked someone? Do you like someone now? What is your favorite team? Clearly, he understands the primary building blocks of any good relationship.

Sounds like he has got some competition, or he really knows how to flatter a girl!

Well you go out with me… Again – I hope spelling is not big for her.

Ya right?!?!?! In Your Dreams!?!?!? He must be made of some pretty tough stuff.

And then this ending… I will like you still even if you do say no… If she hasn’t fallen for him by now, I think he got her at the end. At least he got his mom and I don’t even have to Think about It.

This is what I did today.

1. Skipped church – Sorry God.

2. Slept in

3. Made pot of coffee.

4. Drank pot of coffee.

5. Made some homemade rolls .

6. Made a late lunch for family and a few visitors. (Fried chicken, creamed rice and peas)

7. Swilled down another pot of coffee and two pieces of cherry pie covered in an ice cream swamp.

8. Made caustic but somehow right on target comments about my husbands every minuscule movement. Including the way he walks, talks, eats, breathes, the way his hair makes too much noise as it grows, the way his toenails look, how he stupidly starts fires in the fireplace, his yellowing undershirt, and his inane toothbrushing routine. I also berated the way in which he “helps” me clean house which we had to do before our company arrived. I will say – Hey everyone!…we need to straighten up the house a bit before our company gets here! I then grab a vacuum, give the boys a few simple tasks and watch in utter disbelief as my husband chooses this particular moment in history to: re-stack the wood pile, or build a grape arbor, or plant five new trees, or organize the basement storage room.

Today when I asked everyone to help me clean up, he slunk outside to SHOVEL THE SNOW OFF THE DECK!!! Because I am sure we are all going to stand around OUTSIDE with our beers and our fried chicken in the freezing cold arctic weather!!!

9. Later while our company – all males – watched a game, I finished off a book and also finished off the homemade rolls. And just as all those magnificent fluffy carbohydrates started to work their magic on my hormone stressed bloodstream…

10. My husband, sons, and our visitors all came tromping up the stairs from the TV and ANNOUNCED that they were hungry, while looking directly at me! Oh the scenarios I imagined as I gripped a kitchen knife and chopped up some meat. Oh the bloody visions that filled my head as I stabbed an onion and threw some tortillas on the counter.

But I controlled myself from the manic impulses of murderous mayhem, assembled some simple ingredients for a few burritos and then locked myself away in the study to read some blogs. And they better LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! Sorry God.

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I just want someone to deliver me a steaming latte, fourteen raspberry scones, a massive chocolate bar, and another good book to disappear into. Then I promise to turn back into a human being. I promise!