LMTHA!! SG… (deciphered at end of post)

May 15th, 2009

This is what I did today.

1. Skipped church – Sorry God.

2. Slept in

3. Made pot of coffee.

4. Drank pot of coffee.

5. Made some homemade rolls .

6. Made a late lunch for family and a few visitors. (Fried chicken, creamed rice and peas)

7. Swilled down another pot of coffee and two pieces of cherry pie covered in an ice cream swamp.

8. Made caustic but somehow right on target comments about my husbands every minuscule movement. Including the way he walks, talks, eats, breathes, the way his hair makes too much noise as it grows, the way his toenails look, how he stupidly starts fires in the fireplace, his yellowing undershirt, and his inane toothbrushing routine. I also berated the way in which he “helps” me clean house which we had to do before our company arrived. I will say – Hey everyone!…we need to straighten up the house a bit before our company gets here! I then grab a vacuum, give the boys a few simple tasks and watch in utter disbelief as my husband chooses this particular moment in history to: re-stack the wood pile, or build a grape arbor, or plant five new trees, or organize the basement storage room.

Today when I asked everyone to help me clean up, he slunk outside to SHOVEL THE SNOW OFF THE DECK!!! Because I am sure we are all going to stand around OUTSIDE with our beers and our fried chicken in the freezing cold arctic weather!!!

9. Later while our company – all males – watched a game, I finished off a book and also finished off the homemade rolls. And just as all those magnificent fluffy carbohydrates started to work their magic on my hormone stressed bloodstream…

10. My husband, sons, and our visitors all came tromping up the stairs from the TV and ANNOUNCED that they were hungry, while looking directly at me! Oh the scenarios I imagined as I gripped a kitchen knife and chopped up some meat. Oh the bloody visions that filled my head as I stabbed an onion and threw some tortillas on the counter.

But I controlled myself from the manic impulses of murderous mayhem, assembled some simple ingredients for a few burritos and then locked myself away in the study to read some blogs. And they better LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! Sorry God.

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I just want someone to deliver me a steaming latte, fourteen raspberry scones, a massive chocolate bar, and another good book to disappear into. Then I promise to turn back into a human being. I promise!