Explaining Myself

January 6th, 2009
I struggle with giving people details… explanations… spelling things out… outlining.
I am completely unable to tell someone how to work something… put something together… operate a tool… give instructions.  
Why…
Because these types of conversations are boring.
At least, they are boring to me.  
And I feel like I am telling someone what to do.  
I hate to tell other people what to do.  
It makes me feel weird and bossy.
So instead I make assumptions.
Gross, outrageous, bizarre, assumptions…  that people will be able to figure things out for themselves… fill in the blanks… connect the dots… without me having to tell them.
I would be a horrible, boss, manager, CEO, head guy, Big Kahuna, overlord, whatever, because I can’t ever tell people how to do things.  
Here is an example of how I would tell someone to do something… (not).
Me – Your job will be to operate this here cash register.
Guy – How do I work it?
Me – How do you work what?
Guy – This cash register.
Me – Um… you just… um… what?
Guy -How do you work this cash register?
Me – Uh… you… well… you… uh… one time… at Panera… I put my three year old son in someone else’s van!
Guy – You did!
Me – Yes!  And another time… My husband did surgery on my son’s head in the living room!
Guy – No way!
Me – Yes he did!  Do you like to watch The Office?
Guy – I love The Office!
Me – Me too!  I have an idea!  Let’s re-enact every single episode since the beginning of the show!
Guy – Okay… but what about the cash register?
Me – You be Jim and I will be Pam!
Guy – But what if a customer comes in and I have to sell something?
Me – Okay!  You be Michael and I will be Dwight!
Guy – Uh….
Me – Do you know what the strongest bear is?
Guy – What?
Me – Did you want to be Angela instead?
Guy – I… uh… I…okay I will be Jim.
Me – Oh.. is that because you think you are all cool and everything?
Guy – Uh… I am kind of nervous that a customer might come in at any moment and I won’t know how to operate this cash register.
Me – Oh… okay… well all you do is… push these buttons and then put the money in.
Guy – What if the customer uses a credit card?
Me – Oh… Um… Do you like Jane Austen?
Guy – What?
Me – Jane Austen!  You know… Pride and PrejudiceEmmaSense and Sensibility
Guy – Uh… I think I saw the movie Pride and Prejudice.
Me – Which one?  The Colin Firth one?  Because that is really the best one.  The new one with Kiera Knighlty is okay… but you haven’t really seen a Mr. Darcy until you have seen a Colin Firth Mr. Darcy.
Guy – Who is Colin Firth?
Me – Who is Colin Firth?!?!
Guy – I’m sorry… I don’t know.. .
Me – Oh… well that’s okay… do you like Johnny Depp?
Guy – Uh… I’m a guy… I mean… I like Johnny Depp… but probably not the same way…
Me – Oh… so do you like Julia Roberts?
Guy – Not really.
Me – Oh… what about Angelina Jolie?
Guy – She’s okay… can you show me how to do the credit card thingy now?
Me – The what?
Guy – The credit card!  I need to know how to operate this machine!
Me – Oh yeah… Well you just um… you just take the card and you uh… swipe it and then push the buttons… no the other buttons… and then you… Have you ever seen Remains of the Day?
Guy – What?  No.  
Me – With Anthony Hopkins?  He is my latest favorite.
Guy – Okay…
Me – Yes, I mean I kind of didn’t realize how great he was… You know… I just associated him with that creepy Hannibal character, but then I saw Remains of the Day and then I watched 84 Charring Cross Road and now I think he is probably the greatest actor of all time.  Have you ever seen 84 Charring Cross Road?

Guy – Uh… is that part of Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Me – What?  No.  It is about a book store in London!
Guy – A bookstore?  Like in Harry Potter?
Me – No… uh… a bookstore like a bookstore.  These two people played by Anthony Hopkins and Anne Bancroft live on opposite sides of the globe and they become friends via their love for great books and they send letters back and forth and these letters… well it is sort of like blogging in a way… Do you have a blog?
Guy – A blog?  Is that some type of gardening tool?
Me – Ha ha ha!  A gardening tool!  You are so funny!  Anyway – in 84 Charring Cross Road Anthony and Anne come to mean a great deal to each other and… it is just a wonderful story. You should rent it today.  If you love books you should really see that movie.  
Guy – I don’t really read that much.
Me – Oh…
Guy – So can you show me how to operate this machine now?
Me – Sure… do you like music?