Swimming Pool Signage

July 3rd, 2008

Today I took my kids to the pool, and yes, I spent the first ten minutes frantically scanning the water for turds while feeling kind of sick and dizzy… but then I got over it.  After I was done with the turd scan, I slipped right back into normal old Rechelle mode and unfortunately that is not exactly the world’s most comfortable pair of shoes.  For some reason I can’t really comprehend, going to our small town’s swimming pool makes me feel like I am in high school again.   It’s the old oh there’s that person over there that I kind of know, but not really and should I go over and say something or should I just sit here and feign paralysis?  I am pretty good at feigning paralysis.  Just ask the Country Doctor.  I am not exactly the most socially gifted person on the planet.  That is the job of my sister.  I spent most of my formative years standing just behind her, smiling weakly, and trying to find a dark corner in which to escape.

But there are no dark corners at a public swimming pool.  So I decided that a few signs might be helpful for people like me who suffer from mild to moderate social paralysis.  I envision these signs around the perimeter of the pool with comfortable chaise loungers and shade umbrellas and a young tanned male twenty something that brings you cold beverages and little snackies and is very interested in your blog… and doesn’t mind hearing all about it… and offers to put suntan lotion on your back and… 
What?  
Huh?  
Oh yeah signs… … so you read the signs that are around the pool and then you decide where you wanted to sit that day based on the signs…
Confused???
Here I will give you some sign examples from off the top of my head… 
1.  Moms who love to chat sit here.
2.  Moms who only like to chat with certain people (probably not you) sit here.
3.  Moms who will chat with you but only under extreme duress sit here.
4.  Moms who chat non-stop until they turn blue and do not stop chatting even if one of their children is drowning, but instead hop up, scoop out drowning child, chatting the entire time.
5.  No chatting allowed.
6.  Chat at your own risk.
7.  You can chat, but I can’t hear you!
8.  Please… somebody… come chat with me… I feel so awkward and alone.
9.  My child is the one who poops in the pool.
10.  I want to be alone… I just really, really want to be alone… no I don’t not really… but I want you to think I want to be alone… but I really desperately want someone to talk to me…
11.  Go Away!
12.  I am very comfortable staring into space, but can chat if it is really necessary.
13.  I brought a book.  I will read it if no one wants to chat with me.  And I am okay with that.
14.  Socially awkward… will say bizarre and inappropriate things… you will either love or hate me.
15.  My daughter is the one in the bikini held together with dental floss. 
16.  My son is the one with the anger management issues.
17.  I want to talk about how poorly managed the pool is and how stupid all the lifeguards are.
18.  Remember when I was that skinny?
19.  Please don’t look at my thighs… please don’t look at my thighs… please don’t look at my thighs…
20.  Please don’t look at my butt… please don’t look at my butt… please don’t look at my butt…
21.  I can’t chat, because I spend every second micromanaging my children… Stop splashing Exodus… Get your head out of the water Deuteronomy… Leviticus!  Leviticus!  Leviticus – stop swimming on your back!   Remember?  We are swimming on our sides today!  Only our sides!  Deuteronomy get behind me Satan and give that little girl back her swimsuit bottoms!  Leviticus!  Leviticus!  

22.  I am a toned machine and I come here to put it on display girlfriend.  Feel free to peruse my thighs, my butt, my six pack, my triceps and my bullet proof breasts. 
23.  No one is permitted to play with my child’s toys.
 
24.  Your child is touching my child’s toys.
25.  Come here son… Come here!  Do you see that baby playing with your toys?  Take the toys away from that baby and play with them over here by mama.  No, just take them away…  Just grab them!  GRAB THEM!
26.  Leviticus!  Get off that diving board.  GET OFF THE DIVING BOARD!!!  We discussed this at home!  You are not to be on the diving board until you have memorized the entire book of Genesis IN HEBREW!!!  We have been over this and over this!  Exodus!  PUT your swimming suit back on!
 

Comments

  • Heidi:

    Did you have to put my kids names in your post!! LOL Thank God we dont go to a pool – we head down to the leach infested, turtle poops in, cold as heck because its spring feed – creek!! LOL Your posts are gut busters Rechelle!!! I am still laughing about the turd! We only worry about turds when the cows are upstream from us – thank God they just float by and after they have passed us the water is clean again! LOL!! You are a stitch!!! Have a great day!

  • Heidi:

    Did you have to put my kids names in your post!! LOL Thank God we dont go to a pool – we head down to the leach infested, turtle poops in, cold as heck because its spring feed – creek!! LOL Your posts are gut busters Rechelle!!! I am still laughing about the turd! We only worry about turds when the cows are upstream from us – thank God they just float by and after they have passed us the water is clean again! LOL!! You are a stitch!!! Have a great day!

  • HW:

    OH, don’t get me started. I hated taking my kids to the pool. I don’t know if I’ve had a happier day than when my daughter, the youngest, finally graduated to the phase where I can pull up and drop her off, picking her up again 4 hours later. Hallelujah.Of course now she talks about “the boys at the pool” a lot….and she wonders why I don’t allow her to wear bikinis.And your signs? I can picture at least one mom I know to go with each.

  • chocolatechic:

    bwahahahahhahahaI can relate to every one of those.

  • Angie:

    Hilarious!

  • Junebug:

    I like No. 21 the best. Now whose blog had the turd post yesterday? I remember reading it too.

  • foofeee:

    I love it! We don’t go to the pool for those exact reasons, every one of them!

  • Alisa:

    I agree. Public pools need signs like that. Or the sign that reads, I seem nice, but I drive a way nicer car than you, my house is 3x as big, I paid over $100 for my french manicure, and I will be totally laughing at you behind your back because you think you “fit” here.Maybe that sign is only necessary in So. CA?

  • Alisa:

    I agree. Public pools need signs like that. Or the sign that reads, I seem nice, but I drive a way nicer car than you, my house is 3x as big, I paid over $100 for my french manicure, and I will be totally laughing at you behind your back because you think you “fit” here.Maybe that sign is only necessary in So. CA?

  • Anonymous:

    How crazy!!!!!!! I am on the way to the public city pool in a few minutes and yes, those very people are going to be there. I would not go, except my granddaughter is taking swimming lessons for the next two weeks! Yikes….But while there, I shall be laughing inside at your blog post….and smiling outside…..thanks….

  • Jenni:

    Ooh, I think I would be sitting under sign 8, 10, 13, or 14. This is just one of the reasons I have been putting off taking my kids to the pool. Others include the fact that they would also need signs for a) Don’t stare at my flabby tummy! I’ve borne four children dammit! and b) Don’t look at my boobs! At least they are real and not bullet proof! I am, however, obligated to work the senior class fireworks stand again this summer and I think they need signs there as well. I would love to talk to you, but you must initiate the conversation.Numbers 21 and 23-26 scare me the most. I do not want to talk to you if you are sitting under those signs. Please stay away because I or my children will surely do something to offend you–especially if your kids are named after the books of Moses. 22 doesn’t scare me, and I’m not entirely envious. I snicker quietly about her bulletproof boobs behind my book. Then I remember that she could be a very nice person like my sister-in-law, but I snicker anyway.

  • Pamelotta:

    Good gravy! By signs I thought you meant something more along the lines of “We don’t swim in your toilet, please don’t pee in our pool!”

  • Stephanie:

    Too true and too funnyYour signs remind me of our city pool…my boys love to go and swim…I dread it with a passion…Even when we are “grown up” why do we still feel like the awkward kids of long ago

  • Anonymous:

    Once again you have me in stitches! I can just see those signs hovering over the heads of all the mom’s around the pool’s edge. You nailed every one of them Rechelle!Happy 4th of July! (and stay away from the pool)Bertie

  • Suzanne:

    Oh how true, how true. My number one pet peeve is people who constantly, CONSTANTLY use their child’s name in each and every breath. It makes me snap.- Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife

  • Suzanne:

    Oh how true, how true. My number one pet peeve is people who constantly, CONSTANTLY use their child’s name in each and every breath. It makes me snap.- Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife

  • Margaret in SC:

    Funny stuff, but you’ll have to head up a fund drive for your little town to build an olympic sized pool, because that much fence space will be necessary for all that signage.Incidentally, you forgot one sign…the one that says,”Lifeguard and all her drooling male admirers sit here.”Keep up the funny work.

  • Margaret in SC:

    Funny stuff, but you’ll have to head up a fund drive for your little town to build an olympic sized pool, because that much fence space will be necessary for all that signage.Incidentally, you forgot one sign…the one that says,”Lifeguard and all her drooling male admirers sit here.”Keep up the funny work.

  • Literarysnob:

    Oh!!! I’m definetly an #12 person!!! With a book that I am actually reading!Sorry …..as I stare off into space……

  • literarysnob:

    Oh! I though of another sign for you…Those women who have had “work” done!”work” as in cosmetic surgery

  • Coffee Bean:

    Hey… are we sitting by the same pool?

  • cndymkr / jean:

    You know, I thought I saw you at my pool the other day! Of course, I was hidden in the back behind all the old people with the hats. Next to them I look much younger and in much, much better shape. And they won’t talk to me since I’m too young, bonus!

  • Leah:

    you are a vereee funeeee ladeee too, ya!I’m with you on all that. My husband get so annoyed with me because I do not go out of my way to socialize. From now on, I’m telling him that I have moderate social paralysis!Thanks!

  • Liz:

    HA! I Love it! I could fit in a number of those categories, but definitely not the toned machine category and hopefully not the micro-managing mom category. I am more of the, I’ve got a book category, but I’ll talk if you want. Great post.

  • Liz:

    HA! I Love it! I could fit in a number of those categories, but definitely not the toned machine category and hopefully not the micro-managing mom category. I am more of the, I’ve got a book category, but I’ll talk if you want. Great post.

  • Jordan J:

    You summed up my workplace and its patrons perfectly!!!

  • Rechelle:

    Oh Jordan – surely I missed a few!

  • Karen Deborah:

    My baby brother pooped in the bathtub once, it scarred me for life. Same baby brother also peed on other brothers head. We had enough trauma at home so we didn’t go to the pool. I now know I didn’t miss much. Mymom was in the group who didn’t notice when someone was dunking you to almost death, gabbing non stop.One more, the “I really don’t care what you think about my body fat, because I’m never coming here again.”

  • I`m Sassy,:

    There are no pools for me as my children are adults now, but i do occationally get to take my grandkids to our lake beach. Which is alot like the pools i imagine.We have the young bikini section, the plump moms section, the cool chatty mom section, the bookish types section, and then we have the occational stray section, that is where i sit, usually under a shade tree. I am not the social butterfly type, so the stray section suites me well.You crack me up!

  • pedalpower:

    Love your signs. One day I’d be sitting in one section, and another day I’d be in a different one. Most days I’d be in the “I brought a book and I really do want to read…would you watch my children for me? Please don’t look at my thighs.” section.

  • pedalpower:

    Love your signs. One day I’d be sitting in one section, and another day I’d be in a different one. Most days I’d be in the “I brought a book and I really do want to read…would you watch my children for me? Please don’t look at my thighs.” section.

  • Clay:

    Rechelle,This was hilarious.I remember when I always wore a shirt because I didn’t want people to look at my boobless chest now I always wrap a towel around my already skirted waist so people will not look at anything underneath my waisticular. So, I might be running back and forth between the two signs reading “don’t look at my butt” and “don’t look at my thighs” which then might make me skinny and then, heck, I would just get a raft and go float in the middle of the pool and make all the other mom’s look at me myself and I I I!

  • Clay:

    Rechelle,This was hilarious.I remember when I always wore a shirt because I didn’t want people to look at my boobless chest now I always wrap a towel around my already skirted waist so people will not look at anything underneath my waisticular. So, I might be running back and forth between the two signs reading “don’t look at my butt” and “don’t look at my thighs” which then might make me skinny and then, heck, I would just get a raft and go float in the middle of the pool and make all the other mom’s look at me myself and I I I!

  • Lori:

    I read this post right before I mowed and continued to laugh at it while out on my mower. I’m glad we live in the country where no one could see this weird woman laughing on her mower!! LOL!!What makes it funny for me, is that I can soooooo relate to all of them!! LOL :-)Thanks Rechelle! Have a happy 4th

  • Beth at Aunties:

    Oh, my goodness you are a very funny lady, You are our idol. hopefully we can spread some cheer as you are doing!Happy 4th!

  • Sally:

    Boy – you nailed that one on the head.

  • Jane:

    I’m totally the #14 Mom… Socially awkward… will say bizarre and inappropriate things… you will either love or hate me.

  • jane:

    Apparently I’ve developed a studder…

  • Elizabeth:

    OH man, I’d get my exercize moving between a bunch of those. We had a #21 with children named GERRRRALDINE and CECILLLL who’d spend the first 10 min lathering sun lotion on till they looked like iced cupcakes carring 20 cool pool toys to the pool, then would have to spend every 2 of 5 min in “Time Out” for various infractions of #21 mom’s rules. Glad my kids are older and no longer want to hang out at the pool.

  • Home Sweet Hideaway:

    So FUNNY!! I too am definitely on the lookout for floating feces – YIKES! Love the list, but you forgot one… Mom’s with matching enhanced breasts. As one of my friends recently stated after an afternoon at our local pool, plastic surgeons must be offering group discounts for friends who all choose the same cup size.

  • Home Sweet Hideaway:

    So FUNNY!! I too am definitely on the lookout for floating feces – YIKES! Love the list, but you forgot one… Mom’s with matching enhanced breasts. As one of my friends recently stated after an afternoon at our local pool, plastic surgeons must be offering group discounts for friends who all choose the same cup size.

  • Caution Flag:

    You got it just right! You MUST live in my neighborhood!

  • Caution Flag:

    You got it just right! You MUST live in my neighborhood!

  • Restyled Home:

    I LOVE this post!! I am ashamed to admit it, but I can be territorial about my beach toys…I mean my kid’s beach toys…I silently scream when I see some strange(r) kid lugging off my daughter’s pail and shovel! I know it’s nice to share but…oyy!!May I link to this post? I just did a post on swimming pools, but yours is much more interesting!!Linda

  • Fiddledeedee:

    I’d be sitting under #14. Filing my feet. Alone.You crack me up.

  • Laura Ingalls Gunn:

    Let’s see I am #1, oh and #8, yep there’s #13 my backup plan….