Browsing Archives for July 2008

San Francisco Day 2 (Kids Fail to Understand City Appeal, Demand Beach)

July 31st, 2008

Hee Hoo Haw Hee Hoo Haw Hu Hu Ho Ho Hee Hee Haw Haw Hee Hu Haw!

Guess the person who wrote this fortune never vacationed with the Country Doctor and his four sons!

But oh how I wish it were true.

Oh! Oh Please!

We traipsed all over the entire city, starting at Telegraph Hill.

Breakfasting at North Beach.

Yes, my kids had coke for breakfast.

Yes, that’s right Coke!

And I had a huge bowl of coffee.

Yes, that’s right a bowl of coffee.

A bowl.

I feel so… so… spongy now.

Bananas in Chinatown.

Ferry Building – I bet no one has ever taken this angle before!

Cable car ride. I really really want to call the cable cars – trolley cars, because my idea of a cable car is one of those things in the mountains that takes you up to the top. But in San Francisco – everything is a little different.

They put coffee in BOWLS for crying out loud!

Dim Sum in Chinatown.

This is the scene of my relaxing fortune.

This is also where our children started dripping with emotion and consternation and fits of frothy fervor and where they started asking when we were going to a water park or an amusement park or a beach. And we told them that beaches in San Francisco were cold and terrible and they said IMPOSSIBLE TAKE US TO A BEACH NOW!!!

So we decided that the only thing to do was to let them find out how miserable beaches in San Francisco were for themselves.

Here are my miserable children.

Miserable and cold and wretched.

Miserable, cold, wretched, and shivering…

I think they have learned a lesson!

While my kids played in the freezing surf for TWO hours…

I laid on the sand and relaxed.

That is I tried to relax… whenever I wasn’t guarding my kids from the aggressively friendly nudist that wanted to tell us all about the rip tides.

Other than that, it was very relaxing…

40 comments

Filed under: San Francisco

San Francisco Day 1 (Cold Grips Hearty Midwesterners by Throat)

July 29th, 2008

Before we left the house, Drew wanted to make sure the house sitter (my mom) had ample instructions.

We lunched on April’s Veranda en route to the airport.

Who are these boys watching the airplanes take off and land??? Are these my boys? My boys that think they are soooooo big? My boys who think they are so grown up and know everything already?

This was Jack’s first flight. I let his big brother Drew do all the explaining.

Like how you are supposed to grip your ears throughout the entire flight…

Or at least until the snacks arrived…

Here is CDW travel tip #1. When flying Southwest Airlines AKA The Gypsy Wagon of the Skies, you must always request a whole can of whatever beverage you order. Go ahead. Just ask for the full can. Then you will not have to try and subsist on a meager half can for the entire flight.

I learned this tip from my mom.

Thanks mom.

And please hug the cats for Drew.

Oh and trust me – my family is a big part of the gypsy problem. We did not bring a crate of live chickens on board, but one of my sons contributed greatly to the stench by farting until his insides were on the outside. Which brings me to CDW travel tip #2 – Do not feed your sons baked beans the day before a flight.

CDW Travel Tip #3. If the internet tells you on your blog to bring warm clothes. Do not scoff. They are right. San Francisco is perhaps the coldest place on earth. And also very bleak. Cold and bleak, this is San Francisco. If you are a hearty Midwesterner, you may find this idea hard to wrap your mind around. It was hard for me. How can California be cold and bleak? How is that possible? But it is. So bring your long underwear.

CDW Travel Tip #4 – Get the tourist traps out of the way first.

We continued our battle against the cold by switching to jeans. Then we huddled together and tried to create friction to keep warm. It is not very hard to create friction in our family.

You will buy hot fried food in an attempt to keep warm….

Your youngest, wisest son will choose a corn dog…..

Then you will purchase hot beverages to try and keep warm. Your youngest son will drop his hot beverage in a store forcing your entire family to have to slink out of the store unnoticed… which yes, brings us to CDW Travel Trip #5 - Practice your slinking skills before traveling with children.

CDW Trave Tip #6 - Beware the clowns at Fisherman’s Wharf.

36 comments

Filed under: San Francisco

God Sends Sign, Corn Dog is More Holy.

July 27th, 2008

I am not a big fan of buffet style restaurants.

Visions of gravy, next to marinara, next to potato salad, next to green jello, next to ribs, next to macaroni and cheese, next to sliced peaches next to pizza, next to imitation crab salad, next to scalloped potatoes, next to a giant vat of chocolate pudding makes me want to heave into a paper bag.

So on a recent family outing (involving a three minivan caravan to Topeka to see the CD’s brother play at the Topeka Expo Center) no one asked my opinion when it came time to pick the restaurant.

And the lead minivan chose a buffet…

Filled with righteous indignation, I opted to fast and pray for the souls of my family.

As they chowed down in heathen iniquity…

And I guess they failed to notice that HELLO there was RED JELLO in the CHOCOLATE PUDDING!

And bright yellow fluffy stuff next to the pears next to cottage cheese next to the green jello, next to the oh… ugh… I am not feeling so well……

Seeking a cure, I sought out the Oracle Known as the Concession Stand when we arrived at the Expo Center. And behold, I did cease fasting as my family is certainly doomed anyway.

And lo, I ordered a corn dog and a diet coke.

And God placed a rainbow….

A DOUBLE RAINBOW!!!!

As the Country Doctor held a baby named NOAH!!!!

The sun and my hunger faded with the corn dog…

And a holy and unquenchable fire did enter my belly.

So that I did look unto The CD’s brother in great discomfort…

And a burning question was born.

Can you guess which picker is the Country Doctor’s brother???

Picker #1

icker #2

Picker #3

Picker #4

I will choose three winners from the right guesses to receive one of my cd’s. A compact disc, not a country doctor.

Contest ends Monday at 8 PM CST.

Now go forth and multiply and fill the earth.

And for all this is holy and right, Stay Away from The Buffet and The Corn Dogs!

234 comments

Filed under: Supreme Silliness

The Legendary Algae Hunters of Olden Timeth

July 22nd, 2008

Long ago in the days of yore….

As pink and purple dusk woman shot magenta rays across the little water.

In the season of bone baking fire time…

Only the most skilled and brave men would be sent forth to load their sailing vessels with the sacred crop of algae.

So that the tribe could feed itself… and make clothes… and build the simple tent like structures… woven from the sacred algae threads.

The hearty and brave men placed themselves in great peril to get the sacred algae, but they all loved to suffer so much that it was almost fun for them.

Deeper and deeper into the murky depths they ventured, carefully avoiding the snapping turtles and the water snakes…

Neighboring tribes had long ago abandoned the algae harvest.

They had begun to sprinkle the mystical powders and to use the magic enzymes to keep the algae from forming.

They had forgotten the ancient rhythms of olde.

And so the last lone tribesman worked on and on… as mother sun descended to her cave of night… and father moon rose to his lofty perch… the tribesman trusted to the wisdom of the song frogs to guide him.

Neck deep he continued… scooping algae…. loading algae….

He mused quietly that the more he scooped… the more there seemed to be.

It was as if the algae muse was granting him a blessing of an unending algae tide.

He drew the algae vapors into his nostrils and felt complete.

Night descended. The tribe slept. The algae drifted and multiplied and the tribesman drug his heavily laden boat up on the shore. His shoes squished with the mud of his ancestors. He dug his hand into his mountain of algae and raised it to the sky in triumph and felt vast relief knowing his tribe would eat, and be clothed and be sheltered for the algae harvest had been bountiful.

Dripping water and mud he wandered back into his hut.

Tomorrow they would feast, and weave and build.

But tonight he must rest.

He shut his eyes and slept the sleep of the deeply satisfied.

Contest one post down – ends tonight at 7PM CST

31 comments

Filed under: General Lunacy

Cold Comfort Farm… The Giveaway

July 21st, 2008

If ever there was a book that I wish I had written, it would have to be Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons.
Why this book of all the books in the world?

Well…

1. It is a parody.

2. It is hysterical.

3. It is sort of a protest book.

4. It is of course, set in England, which is just about all I really need in any book.

5. And yeah… written to make fun of tragic, sweeping, rural romances that end badly and then the heroine dies slowly in the freezing rain.

This type of Thomas Hardy fatalism was all the rage when Stella was a young journalist and she just had enough of it and was sick of reading books where no one had any control over their destinies and ended up with a hump back and a lung disease. So she wrote Cold Comfort Farm in protest and it became an overnight sensation…and she never went hungry again.

The only thing better than the book…

Is the movie.

I hope you have seen this movie.

Because I can’t really talk to you anymore until you go see it.

So I will wait…..

Okay, tired of waiting.

Just promise me if you haven’t ever seen it and you don’t win it in this contest, that you will go rent it as soon as you can.

So for this Summer Reading Program Give-Away I am offering two of the DVD’s and one copy of the book.

I know there is probably something wrong about offering two DVDs and only One Book in a Summer Reading Program, so you can send your complaints to me and I will promptly turn them over and use the backs as scratch pads.

Cold Comfort Farm is not only a hilarious movie it also features fabulous fashion from the 30′s. I really wish I could have lived in the 1930s. The clothes were so beautiful. The closest I ever got to 1930′s fashion was in the sixth grade when I had a pair of purple corduroy knickers.

Remember knickers?

Corduroy knickers?

I wore them with thick woolen socks and clogs. I also had a plaid wool skirt with a huge decorative safety pin that was supposed to very stylishly hold the skirt closed.

Remember the skirt pin fashion spasm?

I have memories of trying to play kickball during recess in the sixth grade in my clogs and my safety pinned skirt. Inevitably, I would kick off a clog when I kicked the ball, limp to first base and then get hit in the head by the ball and tagged out before I got to base.

And all the cool sixth grade girls would giggle and roll their eyes.

And the boys would laugh out loud.

Fun Times!

Woo Hoo!

Loved Sixth Grade!

LOVED IT!!!!
This giveaway has come to an end.

0 comments

Filed under: Country Life Books, Hilarious Books, Stella Gibbons

Box O’ Crap

July 20th, 2008

On a recent trip back to my hometown, I was met at the door to my parent’s home by my sister April who was in frothy frenzy. She was attempting to re-organize my parent’s entire house in a few short days! She insisted that I help her.

I didn’t want to help her.

I wanted to watch nineteen solid hours of HGTV!

Because I don’t have HGTV.

So I feel it is my duty to catch up when I am at the folks.

But April would not let me.

Before I arrived, April had already sorted through MY old bedroom closet. She had a box. A box of stuff that she had found in that closet that she thought I needed to have.

I did not want the stuff in the box.

I left it at home.

A few weeks later, my mom came for a visit and she had the box of stuff that April had found in my closet.

And SHE LEFT it at my HOUSE!

The box has been sitting in the study for several weeks.

I was tempted to pitch the entire thing in the trash, but on Saturday I sat down and went through it

Here is what I found in that box o’ crap.

Old Dance Pictures….

Why could not the photographer have said…

Uh Miss… Miss… you might want to pat down your hair… your hair… it looks like you have two horns…. just give it little pat…. maybe run your fingers through it… here I have a comb…. and a mirror… Go ahead fix it… There! That’s better!

But no…

Instead I have horns.

I really loved this particular ballet costume.

I thought it was very wispy and elegant and princess like.

I remember thinking that in this photo, I wanted to appear serious. I wanted to be pale and waif-like and fragile and somber. I wanted to look like an oil painting. I wanted to look like something out of a fairy tale.

I don’t think people in fairy tales EVER have feathered hair.

But I succeeded in looking somber.

And slightly pissed off.

Now here is a study in contrast.

Note the lace buttoned collar and the austere sweater vest and the ZIT which is set off so nicely…

By the ROYAL BLUE EYELINER!!!

This appears to be some sort of photography project where I was to write about what was wrong with the photos. I have been taking bad pictures for a very long time. This is a skill I was just born with. You can’t learn it. You either have it or your don’t!

Now let me tell you what is wrong with these photos.

What is wrong with the first photo is that April took a picture of me jumping off my parents’ well proving once and for all that I AM A GIGANTIC DOOFUS.

What is wrong with the second picture is that my sister looks like she is dressed for an episode of WKRP Cincinnati.

My High school graduation tassel was in the box o’ crap. I don’t know how I got through the past twenty years without it.

And THANK GOD my sister placed this precious artifact in that box!

I found the last will and testament from my entire graduating class. I willed my talent to look good after a football game to my High school boyfriend.

I must have been referring to the blue eyeliner.

I found this assignment from Home Economics.

I got a C.

How do you get a C on a wardrobe inventory?

It appears I was supposed to write something about my attitudes and values towards clothing. I don’t know why I missed that part of the assignment. But I can tell you now that my attitude towards clothi

ng when I was in High School was that CLOTHES WERE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

There!

Can I have a better grade now?

Can I???

Then there was all this stuff.

and GEEAWWW… all this stuff!!!!

And OH LORD this stuff!

I am sorry to tell you this…

I was in a pageant once…

Yes, I was.

It was hard times then.

Small town…

Not much to do except stand around in corn fields and drink beer…

…and be in pageants.

So I chose the pageant route.

Sorry.

What is funny about this, is that as I was paging through the photos in the booklet, I was trying to remember which girl won…

I remembered which girl I wanted to win, but I knew she did not.

I remember which girl I thought would win, but she didn’t win either.

Then I found this picture…

I guess number 18 was the winner.

And judging from what I did to her mouth – I guess I was not too happy about it…

And this is my pink fluffy sister in a hoop skirt.

She is the one who made this box o’ crap possible.

Thank you April.

I am saving Donald Duck nightlight and the seashell just for you.

37 comments

Filed under: Woeful Tales From A Western Kansas Girlhood

Pride and Prejudice and Paper Dolls, a Giveaway

July 14th, 2008

For the next selection in my summer reading program, I am selecting a movie instead of a book. I am allowed to select a movie because this is my summer reading program and I am completely in charge and no one can tell me what to do.

This is why I love blogging.
I am the boss.

I am the CEO.

I am the entire board of directors.

And I am also the largest contributor.

So the CEO and The Board of Directors have to suck up to ME!

Which is also ME so it doesn’t even matter!

All of this authority makes me very happy.

Deliriously happy.

Fanatically happy.

It especially makes me happy right now as The Country Doctor and I are in the middle of family vacation negotiations… and it is not going well.

You see, my idea of a vacation is to find a comfortable chair, overlooking a beautiful vista, with a cold drink and a book, and a few snacks and to not move from this spot for several days, except to go to dinner, and maybe to sit in a hot tub.

And I also would not mind doing a little shopping and maybe finding a good cup of coffee in a quaint little bakery.

But then it is right back to my book.

HOWEVER!!!

The Country Doctor’s idea of a vacation is to cover at least 300 miles a day, stopping only to buy more baloney and cheap bread.

The only places we are allowed to linger more than fifteen minutes are at civil war battlefields, where we will all be forced to don ear phones and lumber around an empty grassy plane while trying to maintain consciousness, as every move of the battle is repeated over the head set, and at professional baseball games in whatever region of the country we are visiting.

Except that I won’t go to the professional baseball games anymore, because I put my foot down about that a few years ago. Now I shop, while they go to baseball games, and we all are much happier.

But back to the book giveaway which is a movie giveaway this time.

This is me holding Colin Firth tenderly in my arms. Look at how at peace he seems. It is clear we belong together. I bet Colin does not even like baseball. I bet he hasn’t even heard of the Civil War! I bet Colin would love to just sit and read for his entire vacation. OR I could sit and read and overlook COLIN instead of a beautiful vista!

Hmmmmmm….

This is Colin taking a shower in coffee.

I really love this picture.

As a second prize in this give away I am offering a chance to win a fabulous booklet of Pride and Prejudice Paper Dolls!

Please try to contain your excitement!

I love the paper dolls because they remind me of a vacation my sister and I took with our grandparents to Arkansas one summer.

To entertain my sister and I on the long car trip, my Grandma had a plain brown paper sack in the front of the car and every once in a while she would open it up and give us something from the bag.

Sometimes it was a snack… sometimes it was a toy… sometimes it was a book of crossword puzzles… but the best thing she had in that bag were paper dolls.

Those paper dolls entertained us for hours!