The Country Doctor’s Wife Learns Photoshop So That Her Blog Will Become Rich and Famous Too.

June 19th, 2008

I have been analyzing and assessing and using my critical thinking skills and walloping my victuals, and sawing the callouses off my big toes with my thumb nail, and ruminating, and obsessing and lying on my bed in a twisted heap of pain, and staring at the ceiling fan… and I have finally decided that my sinking blog stats having nothing to do with me.  

Nothing…
Nothing at all!
As usual it is the fault of other people that are causing me to fail.  
This is how it has always been.     

Example Number One Of Other People Causing Me To Fail – Or Math Suicide
My poor math grades… throughout my entire life… including the remedial math class I was forced to take in college and also failed are actually not my fault… but the fault of other people…

Mostly my poor math grades are the fault of  my math teachers who did not seem to understand that when they spoke in numerals… all I ever heard coming out of their mouths was “blah, blah, blah, number, number, protein, legume, nitrogen, blah”.  
Why could they not speak my language instead?   Why could they not read aloud long segments from Nancy Drew Books and later the startling literary revelations of V.C. Andrews and Jean M. Auel?  I would have especially liked for my math teachers to explain in great detail the weird sex stuff in those books that completely riveted my fourteen year old brain and held it captive for entire semesters at a time.   
Why could they not replace word problems with fashion shows…
And geometry with silent sustained reading of Seventeen magazine?  
Why did they not consider letting me make up cheerleading routines instead of taking tests?
And how about writing our boyfriends names in our notebooks instead of homework?
If only they would have taught me math the correct way, I would have succeeded and I would now be a nuclear physicist with a second home in Shropshire,  instead of a failing blogger and general lunatic.
Problem Number 2 – IBS or Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Did you know that I used to suffer quite dramatically from Irritable Bowel Syndrome?  
Did you?  
Do you want me to tell you all about it?  
Do you?  
I started to suffer from IBS soon after my first son was born.  The unusual thing about my particular case of IBS was that it only struck whenever my husband’s family was due to show up at our house en masse at any minute.  
Suddenly and quite tragically,  I would be overcome with such violent twisting stomach pain that the only cure was to lie motionless on my bed in a curled ball of agony until everyone had left our house.  
Note to readers – The Country Doctor’s family is huge, vast, as numerous as the individual grains of sands on all the beaches in all the world.   
My own family of origin is tiny.  
I had a bit of trouble adapting.  
But again this is not my fault.  
Why could not The Country Doctor have noticed my pain for just a teensy second instead of merely stepping over my throbbing intestines on the way to open the door to the first wave of dinner guests?  
Why could not The Country Doctor have insisted, just one tiny time, that perhaps I was too weak and shaky to host a massive flood of virtual strangers and force everyone out in a gallant and brave act of uncompromising love?  
Why could not the Country Doctor have realized that although my tummy troubles only struck at the onset of a visit from his family, that did not mean I was in any way, shape, or form a faker. I was simply allergic to his family.  An allergy I have overcome with the help of meditation, prayer, and the ability to escape into my own cloud of happy unicorns at will.
Problem Number Three – The Crimson Girls
Just this evening, I was pestered with yet another phone call from the University of Kansas asking for money.  I had no intention of giving them a dime as well… you know… I already gave KU a lot of money.  
A LOT OF MONEY.      


That is where the Country Doctor went to Medical School and um yeah… so anyway – when they called they asked for $100.00 and I said no.  Then they said what about $50.00?  I said no…  Then they said okay, you are really pathetic, but would you give $25.00 and I said no.  You know why I said no?  

I think if you look back at the Crimson Girl line-up between the years 1987 and 1991 you will notice a huge sucking hole where I SHOULD HAVE BEEN!!!  
And yes – NOT MY FAULT
Which brings us to Problem Number Four That is Not My Fault – This Blog.
Why is this blog sucking wind?
Why is it turning into a vacuum of endless night?
Why is this blog becoming the black hole of burning gas from the nether regions of Planet Xerxes?
Clearly this is not my fault.
I show up everydaywell almost everyday… and blather on about the same inane, stupid, ridiculous, things… and put the same blurry, ill focused, vague  
photos up of a bunch of people that no one knows and occasionally a long mindless video of my family watching TV… and EVEN with all that – the blog still declines!
After a lot of soul searching I have decided just whose fault it is and I hereby Pronounce PHOTOSHOP as the evil that so infests blogland that it is impossible to succeed without it.
Yes,  Photoshop is the culprit.  
Photoshop is The Enemy 
The Devil 
Satan’s Scourge 
Yellow Puss Boil Weed
Rocky Mountain Hippie Stink

and Death in A Pasture. 
It is Photoshop’s fault!
You see, I don’t do photoshop on this blog.  Not even for a nanosecond.  The idea of manipulating a photo is as foreign to me as the idea of eating live earthworms.  
I mean here is the photo.  
It is already done.  
Why would you do more to it???  
This is sheer madness.  
If someone were to give you a piece of hot cherry pie with a scoop of vanilla bean speck ice-cream on top, would you feel the need to highlight the vanilla bean specks before you ate it?  
If someone gave you a puppy that was the exact breed and personality and calm quiet potty trained cuteness that you had always dreamed of, would you send him back for a more misty background?  
If suddenly you were handed a pair of keys… to a house… on the beach… in Italy… and told you that you would never have to work again, but to just go, live your life, take all your friends and family (or not) and just go and never worry again… would you insist that the sky in Italy be just a tiny bit more blue before you accepted the offer?
Photoshop is nuts.
Pure NUTS!!!
But then So Am I
So I went out and I bought PhotoShop
And I quickly became a genius photo manipulator.
I now give you the Country Doctor’s Wife Capitulation into the Realm of PhotoShop Whosit Whatsit, Whatever…

Here is the Country Doctor before I photoshoppped him.
Here is the Country Doctor after I photoshopped him.

Here are my kids before I photoshopped them and used actions.
 

Here are my kids now…
Here is my sister before….
eating unphotoshopped pie and drinking unphotoshopped coffee.
EGADS!!!

Here is my sister now.  Do you see how I highlighted her hair and sped up
 the motion by applying an action which I invented myself which I hereby name the “Great Balls of Fire” action.
And finally…

Here is me before Photo Shop… before actions… before painkillers… but just after birth.  Just after the birth of one of my boys… I don’t even know which one…
If ever there was a photo that could use a little help…
Add a little Photoshop
And here is me now…
I can’t wait to see what this does for my blog stats.  
Tra La La,
Rechelle

Comments

  • Gettysburg Mom:

    Oh my. I’m here and laughing. I don’t know what’s up with everyone else. Thanks for chuckle this morning.

  • Lynn in WI:

    Supreme Silliness, indeed!(I want some retro Nike’s like your sister’s.)

  • Anonymous:

    I need me some Photoshop!! Thanks for the cute post, you keep me in stitches!

  • Kristin:

    I still read your blog… and your nuttiness still makes me giggle. Oh yeah, and I’m pretty sure I need photoshop now. :)

  • mer@lifeat7000feet:

    I’m loving your sister’s white Nike’s with the red swoosh. Classic. Oh, and her bangs are pretty rockin’ too.:)

  • Stephanie:

    I check in everyday..for a laugh or two…LOL…too funny…if only we could photoshop real life…

  • MUD:

    Just goes to show you that you can’t believe anything you see or read, but you can laugh out loud at it. I use adobe photoshop elements 6 and very seldom make changes. Mostly I use it to make pictures lighter so you can see it better. MUD

  • Maria:

    Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start)1> Math: This is why I homeschool. So my daughter doesn’t have to do math and fail and have it be the teachers fault. The teacher is me.2: IBS. My mother has this proportionate to her anxiety at any given time. Um, is CD one of those “it’s in your head” Doctors?3:This reminds me of a Dorothy Parkerism: If you laid all the girls in Vassar from end to end, I bet you could.4: I have SO wanted photoshop thinking I would get wonderful, great, amusing photos and make money on my blog so I could do great wonderful give aways so that I could get more readers and make more money to do more give aways. That is about as likely as Colin Firth running naked through my house. People love you CDW. Just the way you are. Didn’t Mr. Rodgers teach you a thing? Or were you too busy with math?BTW, your kids look much more low maintenance after photoshop.

  • Hazel:

    Very good blog!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Hazel:

    Very good blog!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous:

    Dee from TennesseeYou’re a hoot!

  • noble pig:

    Oh you are flippin hilarious I cannot even stand it…I’m crying now.

  • Kris:

    Great photoshopping! I have been resisting for the *exact same reasons as you have* (more or less, and nothing to do with KU as my DH went to a different med school, but they still got lots of our money). However, your post has inspired me. I am investing in PS today and I would appreciate if you would send me your tips for achieving the “Great balls of fire” action.

  • chocolatechic:

    Your new kitty is so cute.

  • April:

    Could you please photoshop me in a bikini while I’m feeding my face? I think that would make me feel better about flunking college pre-algebra.And, you very funny lady.

  • gina:

    You are hysterical! And I think your husband is hotter in the first picture… :)Oh…and can we have more pics of the country doctor??? Your stats would go way up!!!

  • Heidi:

    OMG!!! THAT was TO much for my large belly to laugh at – my sides hurt worse now than they ever have!!! I loved that – I am going to send you pictures of me after birth and you can photo shop them for me – Heck I’ll send you some NOW!!!! make me a size 10 again would you please!! LOL TO FUNNY!!!

  • Heidi:

    OMG!!! THAT was TO much for my large belly to laugh at – my sides hurt worse now than they ever have!!! I loved that – I am going to send you pictures of me after birth and you can photo shop them for me – Heck I’ll send you some NOW!!!! make me a size 10 again would you please!! LOL TO FUNNY!!!

  • Jeanette:

    You are so funny, thanks for the laugh. You could have turned your pond into the ocean. Beach front property.

  • Jeanette:

    You are so funny, thanks for the laugh. You could have turned your pond into the ocean. Beach front property.

  • Natalie:

    I love that your kids turned into Care Bears. I’m sure that April would love for you to follow her everywhere with that hair tool.Thanks for the giant laugh!Recipes with names get traffic – I get a hit a day from a google search for a recipe. OH, use the brand name when you talk about the plants and food and building materials.

  • Natalie:

    I love that your kids turned into Care Bears. I’m sure that April would love for you to follow her everywhere with that hair tool.Thanks for the giant laugh!Recipes with names get traffic – I get a hit a day from a google search for a recipe. OH, use the brand name when you talk about the plants and food and building materials.

  • Marilyn:

    Oh, Rechelle. If you can Photoshop April into Jill, can you turn me into Kelly? She had such shiny hair.

  • Marilyn:

    Oh, Rechelle. If you can Photoshop April into Jill, can you turn me into Kelly? She had such shiny hair.

  • marie:

    I am laughing so hard! I love your blog. Too funny!

  • Alisa:

    I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. You made me snort! Will you photoshop a pic of me as well? Please?

  • Anonymous:

    I read and enjoy your blog every day; don’t ever change!

  • Anonymous:

    OMG!! hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!looooooooveee it!!!

  • HW:

    Those of us with REALLY pathetic blog numbers have a hard time feeling sorry for you. But I will try.You really work some magic with the photoshop stuff. I’m going to have to try it. I continue to read every day and drag my husband in and force him to read it too. Do unwilling readers count…?

  • Anonymous:

    Man that photoshop is one awesome program. I’m out to buy me one right now. Margie

  • Anonymous:

    Man that photoshop is one awesome program. I’m out to buy me one right now. Margie

  • ~Mad:

    Thanks for the loud guffaw that has brightened the second half of my “work” day – I must pipe down (they’ll hear me)!I will read you whether you PhotoShop or not – but this was a an unusually funny post.Laughingly,~Mad(elyn) in Alabamahttp://www.xanga.com/madewyn(…and don’t worry about your stats – mine are non-existent!!)

  • ~Mad:

    Thanks for the loud guffaw that has brightened the second half of my “work” day – I must pipe down (they’ll hear me)!I will read you whether you PhotoShop or not – but this was a an unusually funny post.Laughingly,~Mad(elyn) in Alabamahttp://www.xanga.com/madewyn(…and don’t worry about your stats – mine are non-existent!!)

  • Alicia:

    I am hoping that you can Photoshop me. I’d like to resemble Angelina Jolie. :)

  • Lindsay:

    You got me. I’ve never commented before, but I will from here on out.Plus I know your sister and love her.

  • Lindsay:

    You got me. I’ve never commented before, but I will from here on out.Plus I know your sister and love her.

  • Junebug:

    Ah that’s good stuff, Maynard! Keep it up. :D

  • Nancy:

    Can you photoshop me? I’m available 24/7 for you to work your wonders.

  • Anonymous:

    I don’t know much about Photo Shop–do the results remain in Real Life?

  • Pamela-Atl.:

    That was great. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Laura:

    OOOoooooo! I’m gonna get me some Photoshop!

  • Nicola:

    Oh boy, did I laugh at this! Brilliant post. I hope Adobe pick it up and send you a free set of software. As for your blog getting less traffic, it’s vacation season and it will slow down for a while, but with posts like that you’ll be back on the up in no time :)

  • PAT:

    Blog stats aren’t all they’re cracked up to be!Love you photo editing. I don’t own photoshop…perhaps I should consider buying it…hmmm.Have a wonderful weekend Rechelle!Pat

  • Pamelotta:

    AHHHHHHHHHHH! You slay me.

  • Goshiluvu:

    We love you just the way you are…photoshopless, raw and truthful. There is something wrong with someone who has to erase every flaw and imperfection!

  • Donna Boucher:

    You are so funny!!

  • Rechelle:

    my god, woman! you are brilliant! can you photoshop my house now? and maybe my back yard? and me?

  • Ree Drummond:

    Oh my lawsie mercy, Miss Scarlett. Help me, Rhonda.Help me.

  • alison:

    I LOVE your awesome Photoshop Skills!!

  • pedalpower:

    Actually, I too thought I needed photoshop, got it, and so far 6 months later, have not used it.Heck I love your blog. I love that stuff isn’t your fault. We have that in common!LOL1 Math is stupid2 My IBS flares up when I have fight, er, have a disagreement with my DH. He shouldn’t disagree with me.3 You lost me here…never could dance or cheer or even do a cartwheel4 I need your photoshop!

  • 4funboys:

    You can photo shop me ANY day… with results like that!

  • Cheryl:

    I use photoshop everyday…Your results are AMAZING!!! Your gonna have to package up those steps and call it “The Country Doctor’s Wife’s Elixer”.Those Nikes are the exact ones that I “just had to have” in Jr. High School.Nice post..thanks!!

  • Anonymous:

    Funny stuff. Very clever!Robin in New JerseyOh~~your stats should go up. Ree mentioned you today in her post.

  • Jenni:

    Actually, I do think some of my failure in math is due to math teachers who can DO math but not TEACH it. The only time I really understood math in high school (I was good in math until then) was when we had a sub that usually taught English and she explained some things to me in a way a non-math person could understand. Oddly, her explanation did not contain one hint of V.C. Andrews. I’m thankful for that. I was scarred by the few chapters I read of one of those.Dr. Mendelsohn, who wrote How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor (can I mention that book to a doctor’s wife?) says (or said since he’s dead) that the cause of stomach pain is often emotional, but it is real nonetheless.Doggone, there was more. This post was so long and had so many excellent points to comment on that I’ve forgotten some.Oh, Photoshop! I think I like the CD before Photoshop better. He is a very handsome lookin’ man. Maybe he’d look good in coffee, too, though. And did you know I tried to talk my husband into doing such a photoshoot after you posted that Colin Firth picture the first time? He wasn’t havin’ any of it.I like Photoshop because my photos all too often are not perfect to begin with. I’m going to work on that, but in the meantime, I’m going to get Photoshop. My vanilla ice cream does not have the little vanilla bean specks and I want them there.Finally, your blog is perfect just the way it is. Your numbers should be increasing after that Pie Near Woman mention. I tried, but sadly, my blog readership is smaller than yours and I’m afraid it did not help. Hey, I sent MUD over here! Here’s a song dedication just for you: http://youtube.com/watch?v=xA_T6migsn4

  • Jenni:

    Actually, I do think some of my failure in math is due to math teachers who can DO math but not TEACH it. The only time I really understood math in high school (I was good in math until then) was when we had a sub that usually taught English and she explained some things to me in a way a non-math person could understand. Oddly, her explanation did not contain one hint of V.C. Andrews. I’m thankful for that. I was scarred by the few chapters I read of one of those.Dr. Mendelsohn, who wrote How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor (can I mention that book to a doctor’s wife?) says (or said since he’s dead) that the cause of stomach pain is often emotional, but it is real nonetheless.Doggone, there was more. This post was so long and had so many excellent points to comment on that I’ve forgotten some.Oh, Photoshop! I think I like the CD before Photoshop better. He is a very handsome lookin’ man. Maybe he’d look good in coffee, too, though. And did you know I tried to talk my husband into doing such a photoshoot after you posted that Colin Firth picture the first time? He wasn’t havin’ any of it.I like Photoshop because my photos all too often are not perfect to begin with. I’m going to work on that, but in the meantime, I’m going to get Photoshop. My vanilla ice cream does not have the little vanilla bean specks and I want them there.Finally, your blog is perfect just the way it is. Your numbers should be increasing after that Pie Near Woman mention. I tried, but sadly, my blog readership is smaller than yours and I’m afraid it did not help. Hey, I sent MUD over here! Here’s a song dedication just for you: http://youtube.com/watch?v=xA_T6migsn4

  • SaraSoup:

    HYSTERICAL Photoshop actions!

  • SaraSoup:

    HYSTERICAL Photoshop actions!

  • Denise:

    Holy stinkin’ crap! I am laughing out loud right now. I just came across your blog today, but I will certainly be back. Thanks for putting a smile in my face when I should really be in the middle of editing some photos with the evil Photoshop. :-)

  • Denise:

    Holy stinkin’ crap! I am laughing out loud right now. I just came across your blog today, but I will certainly be back. Thanks for putting a smile in my face when I should really be in the middle of editing some photos with the evil Photoshop. :-)

  • Jaclyn Bailey:

    Oh Sheesh. I cant. Stop. Laughing!Ok… that was funny seriously.

  • Jaclyn Bailey:

    Oh Sheesh. I cant. Stop. Laughing!Ok… that was funny seriously.

  • Fashion Astrology Art Beauty Shopping Food Kitsch:

    Well, I’m a big fan of your site still. And, I just started reading it. By the way your sister is so hot that I don’t think she needed to photoshopped.

  • Fashion Astrology Art Beauty Shopping Food Kitsch:

    Well, I’m a big fan of your site still. And, I just started reading it. By the way your sister is so hot that I don’t think she needed to photoshopped.

  • Michelle:

    I just found your site via Pioneer Woman. You are hilaro. I will be back regularly

  • Anonymous:

    I came over from PW, and I’m wasting lots and lots of time at your site! I had to post here, and boost your stats, after seeing that picture of you in the hospital. Really cracked me up because I can so relate to the very special moment of our life, but, not having the opportunity to look our best for the photo op, like, not even getting to put on a bra while wearing that ugly hospital gown! I too got photoshop and a nikon, but not sure how to use either one!From Mary

  • Baba:

    ROFL. Am there now!

  • Katie:

    This is the best laugh I’ve had in weeks! Don’t tell PW, but I think you are funnier. How’s that for stats? Delightful, our in house language is sarcasm, and you are definitely speaking my love language.Bless your heart,Kate

  • heartafire:

    You can even tell PW—You are waaay funnier and waaay less narcissistic. Your blog is awesome. She may TALK about keepin’ it real, but you reallly do it.Anyway, I am a tad disappointed that you even keep up with blog stats. I know, I know, it must get to be an obsession, but it sort of reminds me of preachers who keep up with “how many souls” are being saved. Sort of misses the point.Doesn’t seem like either one of y’all should be in the numbers game…..I do so love your blog

  • Julie:

    Welcome to the Photoshop world! I am thinking that I need to go and update my version. I need the one you have. Great post – hope it worked with the stats. By the way, I just found you by hitting discover in my google reader. I hope you don’t mind I am linking to you today as my Someone New Sunday. :)

  • Neasa:

    Oh this made me laugh so much! I’ve been browzing your blog all day (we don’t posess ceiling fans unfortunately) and I love your blog. Now, where can I get Photoshop……..??? (Country Doctor was yummy before you shopped him though!)