The Country Doctor's Wife Explains Grub Control

April 23rd, 2008

CDW – Hello sir, welcome to the Garden Center. Can I help you find something?

Customer – I need to find something for grubs.

CDW – Oh dear no…would you like to see our container plants?

Customer – What?

CDW – Maybe I can help you find a nice flowering shrub?

Customer – I said grubs…not shrubs… grubs.

CDW – Yes, we have some very beautiful shrubs they are just right out back. The almonds are bursting with gorgeous pink blossoms!

Customer – I um…actually, I was looking for something to control the grubs… in my yard.

CDW – Do you like petunias?

Customer – Petunias?

CDW – Yes, Petunias! We have several varieties and enough colors to make your head spin. I am partial to the tidal wave variety

Customer – Do they help with grubs?

CDW – Yes they do!

Customer – Really? How?

CDW – Well, you plant a nice bed of petunias to look at and then you don’t notice your grub infested lawn so much anymore!

Customer – Is there anyone else I can talk to?

CDW – Um no… everyone seems to be busy at the moment.

Customer – Can you just point me to your lawn chemicals!

CDW – No problem – they are right over there.

Customer – Can you show me where the grub control is in the chemicals?

CDW – Um… well…. it’s just that um… you see, I seem to have a condition.

Customer – What?

CDW – You see we have training every Monday night and we learn all sorts of garden know-how and I have learned a lot about trees and shrubs and flowers and how to work a cash register, but every time the words “grub” or “aphid” or “scale” or “mealy worms” or “maggot” or well…you get the idea… my eyes roll back into my skull and a clear fluid starts leaking from my ears, and my mind sort of drifts off to a much happier place full of waving grasses and bright sunny blossoms and tall majestic trees and containers! Yes! Containers full of elegant trailing blooms and tall spiky plumes and bright cheery flowers. Don’t you just love containers!

Customer – Uh…

CDW – Anyway… and I just can’t seem to stay with the whole grub thing. I wake up a few minutes later when we are talking about trees again. Could I interest you in a Capitol Flowering Pear?

Customer – I am just going to look around.

CDW – They are a beautiful tree and even though they are called a pear they actually do not have fruit…just nice clusters of white flowers…

Customer – Thanks…

CDW – You’re welcome.

Customer – Listen to me carefully… I am going to walk away from you now… and I don’t want you to follow me.

CDW – No problem sir. Glad I could be of help!


  • Whirled:

    An image as lovely as a flower garden should never be associated with larval anything. It just gives me the complete heebiejeebies. I’m so bad, I used to sit through parasitology classes scratching like a mad woman. I can induce a good case of scabies by just thinking about any sort of bug…sucking blood, burrowing…excuse me, I need a shower and a gallon of lotion…

  • Cynthia:

    EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea that there might be such gross stuff in our weeeds, er, yard. Now I know why my whole experince with being outside here on the farm consists of the very unfortunate act of walking from the front door to the Suburban in the driveway!

  • Coffee Bean:

    I think you need your own reality show. Ritalin could advertise during the breaks.

  • Karen Deborah:

    NEMATODES 100% effective cure.they are gross huh and ravenous eaters.

  • Karen Deborah:

    ps at least your diagnosis is correct CDW. You can order nematodes online. They are a biological control and they work. Easy to apply, spray bottle to hose, early evening, whoosh all over and those little biological warriors get right to work. I hate grubs.

  • MUD:

    I find them all the time when I am digging but they must fend for themselves as I don’t plant grass for them to eat. Whatever is green and grows is the ground cover. The wife took the Master Gardner Course so I’m sure she knows and I haven’t seen her spraying anything different. MUD

  • Alisa:

    Yes, but what can I do about these darn aphids?I do agree with coffee bean. I would totally watch your reality show!

  • Robbyn:

    Didja know fishermen sometimes use those things on the end of hooks to catch fish? Did you know that an incident involving my father helping me bait a hook with one traumatized me for life now that I’m fully aware that grub worms EXPLODE when put on hooks, and I’m really really content to use fake spinner lures on the off chance I’ll fish again. Love fishing…but nature’s sometimes a little too too much when it comes to exploding crawly things…

  • Maryam in Marrakesh:

    This really made me laugh:) Helpful in the midst of my Marrakech landscaping woes!

  • Mama Bear:

    I think you should have talked him into buying a raccoon. They love to eat grubs and will completely eliminate them from his lawn. Just don’t tell him they will probably eliminate his lawn in the process. A good salesperson will just see it as a wonderful opportunity for selling more grass seed.

  • Grand Life:

    Great post. Have a great week. I understand the nematodes work wonders. Good luck

  • Natalie:

    cinch bugs, what about the cinch bugs!

  • Karen Deborah:

    job? you have a job? Do they pay you to confuse the customers? did he buy a container planting? do you get to bring home the half dead stuff for free and have the CD save it? Do you know about nematodes? Have you ever thought about having a reality TV show? You could cook mustard pasta! And take the picture right next to a grub. Grub next to dishes, Grub on table, child shreeking at sight of grub, CD killing grub with RAID. like it?

  • noble pig:

    OMG, I’m crying and I feel your pain. Keep away bugs!

  • [...] to know about plants and shrubs and flowering thingys. However, if he has any questions regarding grub control, he may want to look [...]