Browsing Archives for April 2008

Here is a photo from the time that April and I released a country gospel tribute album to Abba called…
‘Country Roads Take A Chance on Me’.

Other than the title cut, the hits from that legendary album included…

I Just Ain’t Holy Enough To Homeschool

Oh Freedom… Oh Freedom… Oh Freedom My Kids go to Public School!

Jesus Loves the Little Children… Even If Their Mamas Don’t Homeschool Them (kind of).

My Jesus I Love Thee and I Kin Prove It Too Cuz I Homeschool Sup Dawg? (This was a rap tune).

The Devil Went Down to Georgia Disguised as a Kindergarten Teacher

And the more minor classic…

You Cain’t Make Me Stick that Satan Serum Immunization Into My Baby’s Arm!

The next year we released a highly acclaimed follow-up record called…

‘Mamas Mia’
It was a big hit, hailed by the critics as…
The Goo Goo Dolls meets Dolly Parton
A lot like Alison Kraus except not really and also waaaaay weirder…
If you took John Cougar, Jon Bon, and John Mayer and wrapped them up in a spinach tortilla with some banana peppers and a little tzatziki sauce, you would have yourself a mighty tasty treat. Mmmmmmm that sounds good. Especially the John Mayer part. Oh… and this band is uh… interesting...
‘Twisted Sister’ but even more twisted… and messed up.
Their music is like Mac Davis getting hit by a Mack Truck… over and over again.
Hey! Whatever happened to Mac Davis?
Actually it was Mac Davis that caused the band to break up.
And also because one of the band members…

I won’t say which one….

Got into her doctor husband’s stash of prescription painkillers and well…
She kind of lost her mind.

At which point the crazy sister (shown here with her back purposefully turned to disguise her identity) released a Mac Davis tribute album called…

‘Oh Lord It’s Hard to be Humble, When You’re Perfect in Every Way, I Can’t Wait to Look in the Mirror, Cuz I Get Better Lookin’ Each Day, All My Love, My Heart, and My Very Soul Burning For You, Mac Davis. Come Back to Me… Come Back’
(The modern spelling of the word ‘cuz’ is what made the song relevant to today’s youth)
This record was critically acclaimed for having a really long stupid title.
Thanks to Mrs. Mama for photographing the band during the good times and the bad.

Hanging the Oracle

April 7th, 2008

Oh Dear! That doesn’t sound right does it?!?

I don’t really mean “HANG the oracle

Oh no! I would never even think of HANGING the Oracle.

He is far to valuable to me! Why, if I were to HANG the Oracle, who would the Country Doctor consult when he has a problem to which his wife CLEARLY KNOWS THE ANSWER???

But he has been sitting there… on the floor… staring at the opposite wall for about six months now and it really is time to put him in his proper place.

It’s just that I’m not really sure where his proper place is? I tried placing the Oracle both above and below darling pictures of my boys as toddlers. But that seemed a bit out of whack.

You can just tell by looking at him that he is none too pleased with this idea.

So I laid the Oracle down so we could both have a rest and think things over.

And as I stepped away – something about this particular spot spoke to me… It was as if the Oracle himself was whispering in my ear saying…

Here….

Here….

This is my home….

This is my spot…

So I said a prayer…

And I lit a candle…

And I tried to clear my mind of all distractions…

And I hammered a nail into the wall…

Then I had a snack.

(Don’t tell the Oracle about that snack part.)

Perfect!

He seems to be at peace here don’t you think???

And I find that I am at peace too.

A deep abiding peace that will comfort me every time I step in here to… to… well…to “pay my respects to the Oracle.”

Which is a actually a euphemism for… for…

Okay then…

goodbye.

Time to pay the water bill again!

And this time I was ready for the challenge!
Until  I looked outside and it was nothing but rain, rain, and more rain.

You know what that means don’t you?
I am once again going to disappoint and enrage the local rural water district red- ink- pen- gone – wild- lady with my unwillingness to hike out to my water meter, yank off the heavy metal lid, wrestle out the spider encrusted insulator and fail to understand what all those numbers mean and how I am supposed to write them down.
So I set aside the water bill until one of my boys was around… so I could send HIM out in the rain and  I moved on to the cell phone bill…

Which is a whole OTHER tragedy.
Because I lost the envelope that goes with the cell phone bill.  Which means I was going to have to HAND-WRITE the address for the cell phone company which was going to take FOREVER and require more concentration and attention to detail than I have ever been capable of handling.
To avoid having to HAND WRITE the cell phone company’s address, I found an old envelope with a hole in approximately the right place, but not quite.
See – the address is too far down…  So I worked another one of my crafty miracles, and I taped the bill in place so it wouldn’t slip past the window.

Then I got to thinking about how the person opening this envelope might get a tad irritated that the bill is taped in place, and hard to remove, so I decided to try and make that person feel better about it…

But then I thought that maybe…just maybe… the smiley face might further enrage the person opening the envelope, and struggling to remove it, so I decided  I would cheer him/her up with  a pretty flower stamp which I only give to the most deserving of bill recipients.

But all I had left were…

Ugly liberty bells.

Never Fear – I  found a way to make it better!

Surely now the envelope-opener person will know I meant no harm.

They will also have other thoughts about me too.

But let’s not think about that.