The World’s Loudest Quiet Man

February 25th, 2008

Motherhood comes with a few unexpected surprises don’t it?. I find that I can no longer do any jumping jacks without… well without… well… I just can’t do them. I also stopped sleeping deeply, with any rhythm or with much hope of ever sleeping well again. As my children have grown, I have somewhat re-discovered the benefits of a good’s nights sleep, but I still sleep lightly, waking up at the smallest sounds and then struggling to get back to sleep. I am sure this is some sort of built in safety mechanism for a mother to protect her young. Unfortunately, I am married to the world’s loudest quiet man so that long after my kids are sleeping through the night, I am still wakened by him and his strange ability to creep and pound at the same time.


The Country Doctor is a night owl. He prefers the wee hours to any others. I have explained to him on numerous occasions, that I do not share his proclivity for two a.m. and three a.m. and four a.m. to no avail. He claims he is “quiet as a mouse.” He claims he is “silent as the grave.” He claims to “move with the stealth of ninja” and yet I am awake and he is the one clanging the metal spoon on the cereal bowl as if he were testing out a new drum for Metallica. I lie in bed wondering how much longer he will pound, slam, squeak, and wrench before he finally gives up the ghost. I can hear him creeping from the computer where he has just finished clattering out a missive as if using an ax to type with, and then I hear him silently glide to the kitchen and pick up a bag of chips and crush it into a tiny ball over and over again, pausing only to slam the cabinet doors, open and shut all the drawers in the kitchen, empty all the silverware onto the floor and then rearrange the living room furniture. He finishes his bedtime routine off by tiptoeing up the stairs, where he then sorts through the medicine cabinet tossing all the medicine bottles, and ointments over his shoulder where they clatter to the tile floor. Afterwards he drops to his knees, army crawls to his side of the bed, shimmys under the covers and falls dead asleep while I lay beside him wide awake plotting his grisly demise and making a mental note to make sure I paid the latest life insurance premium .

I feel a strong urge to validate my tale with a witness. My sister stayed with us one night back when the Country Doctor was still in medical school. The next morning she stared at him in awe as she recounted how amazingly noisy he was. She mentioned the pounding and the slamming and the stomping and the clattering. I have never felt so vindicated in my entire life. Thank you April for that precious gift. The Country Doctor of course, believes that my sister and I share some sort of genetic intolerance to the mildest squeakings of a gerbil and that since he never makes any noise louder than the sound of a cotton ball landing on a bath towel, it is we who have the problem and not of course, himself.

As a new bride and shortly thereafter a new mother, I was mystified by his need to make enough noise during the hours between midnight and dawn to raise the dead, but I suffered in silence. Until….. Until….

The Country Doctor’s brother, Mr. Panties, was visiting us when our first born was an infant. My nerves were completely fried from waking up every two hours to feed my son and then listening to my husband storm around our small home during the hours in between.

On the eve, that has gone down in infamy as “the night Rechelle became Rechelle” The Country Doctor and Mr. Panties set up camp in the basement. They were having a great time combing through every experience that had ever happened to them since they first became aware of their own existence. I grew tired of this and excused myself to put the baby to bed. Up to that point, I had managed to portray myself as reserved, shy, and even a bit mousy around the CD’s family. The Country Doctor’s family is huge and loud and quite sure of themselves. They are also completely unafraid to forcefully argue a point or issue a proclomation, or interject an opinion. Not really knowing how to fit in with them, I stayed pretty quiet. I laid down in our tiny bedroom where I could clearly hear every word of their conversation in the basement. They were not even trying to talk quietly and their conversation was riddled with loud laughter. I tossed and turned and covered my head with a pillow. I tried counting fluffy sheep jumping over a sweet little fence, but all I could picture was myself kicking the Country Doctor and Mr. Panties through a goal post over and over again. After an hour of this, I raised my gray shrunken head off the pillow. I twisted my trembling, sleepless, ragged frame from the bed, and I silently scuffled to the basement. At the top of the stairs I announced my true self to the world, my new husband and his brother.

“HEY!!! COULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!!!! I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

A silence rapid and profound, instantly permeated our tiny house. I shuffled back to bed and fell asleep immediately, only to be awakened by my infant son 2.3 seconds later. Mr. Panties never looked at me the same again. The Country Doctor resumed his nightly bedlam shortly thereafter, which still includes the deafening roar that he has never been able to hear. And I… well I… still scuffle to the top of the stairs and tell him to PUHLEEEEZ!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND RIGHT AND GOOD IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU PLEEEEEZ SHUT THE HELL UP! After which a gorgeous silence descends… and I sleep.

Comments

  • Lotta:

    My father is a minister and would often come home from late night hospital calls making such a ruckus! I think they get lonely.

  • Rechelle:

    It really is strange to me. My husband is normally a very quiet person, but completely unable to “move quietly” I do think there is a greater issue here, i have many many theories.

  • Mary:

    I have been up since 4am, when my husband started snoring REALLY LOUDLY. So I feel your pain…xoxo,Mary

  • Renovation Therapy:

    We have the opposite problem in our house. I’m a klutz and often walk into walls or bang my toe and make a ruckus…the Fiance is a VERY light sleeper. I could sleep through a war.

  • Junebug:

    I completely understand what you’re saying but funny thing is I’m the one who can stay up until 1 am. But I am quiet. Honestly. Because I think about it, every move I make is planned so it doesn’t create noise. I walk quietly and all. My husband sleeps so soundly it woudn’t matter and he snores. So when he goes to bed before me (all the time) I am quiet. I don’t sleep soundly or fall asleep easily though. But when I get into bed and he is snoring as usual it takes me a little while to go to sleep. But another funny thing is after all that loud snoring he makes which never wakes him, I can move my finger sometimes and it wakes him? But of course, he instantly falls back to sleep. You can see this subject is a big one with me. I could also tell you I like my space in the bed. Sometimes I have to sleep on the edge of the bed to keep my space untouched. And we have a king-sized bed. I don’t understand it. There is an imaginary middle line to me and people should stay on their own side. But the only thing is I have never told my husband this. I just expect him to know.

  • Stephanie:

    My DH must be a long lost cousin to CD…Since the boys came along…I don’t sleep well..definitely a mom thing…DH can close his eyes and be instantly asleep (deeply) and snoring (loudly) or when the mood strikes he is up at all hours of the night…clomping and munching…UGH…I have planned his murder many nights as I toss and turn trying to sleep….

  • Becky:

    I’m a night owl, I admit. But I’m a quiet one. LOL My PARENTS are the dreaded morning people. And they are LOUD. Pot rattling, cabinet slamming, TV on earthquake level volume…at 5am. My kids at least sleep until 7am. I feel like I need to sleep for a month after every visit home. LOL

  • PAT:

    Rechelle I just read this aloud to J. He says you are a dandy and we believe you need to write a book!Love this post!Pat

  • Molly:

    I’m laughing. My husband is a night owl too. When we lived in our apartment, he would always stay up later than me and usually have a bowl of cereal around midnight. Just the sound of the metal spoon clanking against the cereal bowl was enough to drive me batty. Thanfully now that we have a house, I can sleep upstairs in peace while he enjoys his bowl of cereal.

  • Jenni:

    Too funny–except when it is happening to me. Add trampoline to your list with the jumping jacks.

  • Jenni:

    Too funny–except when it is happening to me. Add trampoline to your list with the jumping jacks.

  • noble pig:

    You. Are. Hysterical.

  • Marilyn:

    I too am a night owl, but I truly am a silent night owl. Here’s what you do: get up and join him in his nocturnal activities. He’ll run off to sleep immediately. Trust me!

  • Anonymous:

    This was pretty funny! Thanks for the laugh tonight!Luckily for me, most of the time, I sleep like the dead, even though I have 3 kids at home. I rely on husband for all fire alarms, tornado sirens, and midnight puppy outings.Angel

  • Anonymous:

    My husband does the same exact thing. It’s like a herd of elephants and half a dozen monkeys are partying in a mosh pit.Junebug – my SIL can’t stand to have her bed space invaded either. She solved the problem by putting a body pillow down the middle of the bed.

  • Anonymous:

    My husband does the same exact thing. It’s like a herd of elephants and half a dozen monkeys are partying in a mosh pit.Junebug – my SIL can’t stand to have her bed space invaded either. She solved the problem by putting a body pillow down the middle of the bed.

The World's Loudest Quiet Man

February 25th, 2008

Motherhood comes with a few unexpected surprises don’t it?. I find that I can no longer do any jumping jacks without… well without… well… I just can’t do them. I also stopped sleeping deeply, with any rhythm or with much hope of ever sleeping well again. As my children have grown, I have somewhat re-discovered the benefits of a good’s nights sleep, but I still sleep lightly, waking up at the smallest sounds and then struggling to get back to sleep. I am sure this is some sort of built in safety mechanism for a mother to protect her young. Unfortunately, I am married to the world’s loudest quiet man so that long after my kids are sleeping through the night, I am still wakened by him and his strange ability to creep and pound at the same time.


The Country Doctor is a night owl. He prefers the wee hours to any others. I have explained to him on numerous occasions, that I do not share his proclivity for two a.m. and three a.m. and four a.m. to no avail. He claims he is “quiet as a mouse.” He claims he is “silent as the grave.” He claims to “move with the stealth of ninja” and yet I am awake and he is the one clanging the metal spoon on the cereal bowl as if he were testing out a new drum for Metallica. I lie in bed wondering how much longer he will pound, slam, squeak, and wrench before he finally gives up the ghost. I can hear him creeping from the computer where he has just finished clattering out a missive as if using an ax to type with, and then I hear him silently glide to the kitchen and pick up a bag of chips and crush it into a tiny ball over and over again, pausing only to slam the cabinet doors, open and shut all the drawers in the kitchen, empty all the silverware onto the floor and then rearrange the living room furniture. He finishes his bedtime routine off by tiptoeing up the stairs, where he then sorts through the medicine cabinet tossing all the medicine bottles, and ointments over his shoulder where they clatter to the tile floor. Afterwards he drops to his knees, army crawls to his side of the bed, shimmys under the covers and falls dead asleep while I lay beside him wide awake plotting his grisly demise and making a mental note to make sure I paid the latest life insurance premium .

I feel a strong urge to validate my tale with a witness. My sister stayed with us one night back when the Country Doctor was still in medical school. The next morning she stared at him in awe as she recounted how amazingly noisy he was. She mentioned the pounding and the slamming and the stomping and the clattering. I have never felt so vindicated in my entire life. Thank you April for that precious gift. The Country Doctor of course, believes that my sister and I share some sort of genetic intolerance to the mildest squeakings of a gerbil and that since he never makes any noise louder than the sound of a cotton ball landing on a bath towel, it is we who have the problem and not of course, himself.

As a new bride and shortly thereafter a new mother, I was mystified by his need to make enough noise during the hours between midnight and dawn to raise the dead, but I suffered in silence. Until….. Until….

The Country Doctor’s brother, Mr. Panties, was visiting us when our first born was an infant. My nerves were completely fried from waking up every two hours to feed my son and then listening to my husband storm around our small home during the hours in between.

On the eve, that has gone down in infamy as “the night Rechelle became Rechelle” The Country Doctor and Mr. Panties set up camp in the basement. They were having a great time combing through every experience that had ever happened to them since they first became aware of their own existence. I grew tired of this and excused myself to put the baby to bed. Up to that point, I had managed to portray myself as reserved, shy, and even a bit mousy around the CD’s family. The Country Doctor’s family is huge and loud and quite sure of themselves. They are also completely unafraid to forcefully argue a point or issue a proclomation, or interject an opinion. Not really knowing how to fit in with them, I stayed pretty quiet. I laid down in our tiny bedroom where I could clearly hear every word of their conversation in the basement. They were not even trying to talk quietly and their conversation was riddled with loud laughter. I tossed and turned and covered my head with a pillow. I tried counting fluffy sheep jumping over a sweet little fence, but all I could picture was myself kicking the Country Doctor and Mr. Panties through a goal post over and over again. After an hour of this, I raised my gray shrunken head off the pillow. I twisted my trembling, sleepless, ragged frame from the bed, and I silently scuffled to the basement. At the top of the stairs I announced my true self to the world, my new husband and his brother.

“HEY!!! COULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!!!! I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

A silence rapid and profound, instantly permeated our tiny house. I shuffled back to bed and fell asleep immediately, only to be awakened by my infant son 2.3 seconds later. Mr. Panties never looked at me the same again. The Country Doctor resumed his nightly bedlam shortly thereafter, which still includes the deafening roar that he has never been able to hear. And I… well I… still scuffle to the top of the stairs and tell him to PUHLEEEEZ!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND RIGHT AND GOOD IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU PLEEEEEZ SHUT THE HELL UP! After which a gorgeous silence descends… and I sleep.

Comments

  • Lotta:

    My father is a minister and would often come home from late night hospital calls making such a ruckus! I think they get lonely.

  • Rechelle:

    It really is strange to me. My husband is normally a very quiet person, but completely unable to “move quietly” I do think there is a greater issue here, i have many many theories.

  • Mary:

    I have been up since 4am, when my husband started snoring REALLY LOUDLY. So I feel your pain…xoxo,Mary

  • Renovation Therapy:

    We have the opposite problem in our house. I’m a klutz and often walk into walls or bang my toe and make a ruckus…the Fiance is a VERY light sleeper. I could sleep through a war.

  • Junebug:

    I completely understand what you’re saying but funny thing is I’m the one who can stay up until 1 am. But I am quiet. Honestly. Because I think about it, every move I make is planned so it doesn’t create noise. I walk quietly and all. My husband sleeps so soundly it woudn’t matter and he snores. So when he goes to bed before me (all the time) I am quiet. I don’t sleep soundly or fall asleep easily though. But when I get into bed and he is snoring as usual it takes me a little while to go to sleep. But another funny thing is after all that loud snoring he makes which never wakes him, I can move my finger sometimes and it wakes him? But of course, he instantly falls back to sleep. You can see this subject is a big one with me. I could also tell you I like my space in the bed. Sometimes I have to sleep on the edge of the bed to keep my space untouched. And we have a king-sized bed. I don’t understand it. There is an imaginary middle line to me and people should stay on their own side. But the only thing is I have never told my husband this. I just expect him to know.

  • Stephanie:

    My DH must be a long lost cousin to CD…Since the boys came along…I don’t sleep well..definitely a mom thing…DH can close his eyes and be instantly asleep (deeply) and snoring (loudly) or when the mood strikes he is up at all hours of the night…clomping and munching…UGH…I have planned his murder many nights as I toss and turn trying to sleep….

  • Becky:

    I’m a night owl, I admit. But I’m a quiet one. LOL My PARENTS are the dreaded morning people. And they are LOUD. Pot rattling, cabinet slamming, TV on earthquake level volume…at 5am. My kids at least sleep until 7am. I feel like I need to sleep for a month after every visit home. LOL

  • PAT:

    Rechelle I just read this aloud to J. He says you are a dandy and we believe you need to write a book!Love this post!Pat

  • Molly:

    I’m laughing. My husband is a night owl too. When we lived in our apartment, he would always stay up later than me and usually have a bowl of cereal around midnight. Just the sound of the metal spoon clanking against the cereal bowl was enough to drive me batty. Thanfully now that we have a house, I can sleep upstairs in peace while he enjoys his bowl of cereal.

  • Jenni:

    Too funny–except when it is happening to me. Add trampoline to your list with the jumping jacks.

  • Jenni:

    Too funny–except when it is happening to me. Add trampoline to your list with the jumping jacks.

  • noble pig:

    You. Are. Hysterical.

  • Marilyn:

    I too am a night owl, but I truly am a silent night owl. Here’s what you do: get up and join him in his nocturnal activities. He’ll run off to sleep immediately. Trust me!

  • Anonymous:

    This was pretty funny! Thanks for the laugh tonight!Luckily for me, most of the time, I sleep like the dead, even though I have 3 kids at home. I rely on husband for all fire alarms, tornado sirens, and midnight puppy outings.Angel

  • Anonymous:

    My husband does the same exact thing. It’s like a herd of elephants and half a dozen monkeys are partying in a mosh pit.Junebug – my SIL can’t stand to have her bed space invaded either. She solved the problem by putting a body pillow down the middle of the bed.

  • Anonymous:

    My husband does the same exact thing. It’s like a herd of elephants and half a dozen monkeys are partying in a mosh pit.Junebug – my SIL can’t stand to have her bed space invaded either. She solved the problem by putting a body pillow down the middle of the bed.