Browsing Archives for February 2008

The World’s Loudest Quiet Man

February 25th, 2008

Motherhood comes with a few unexpected surprises don’t it?. I find that I can no longer do any jumping jacks without… well without… well… I just can’t do them. I also stopped sleeping deeply, with any rhythm or with much hope of ever sleeping well again. As my children have grown, I have somewhat re-discovered the benefits of a good’s nights sleep, but I still sleep lightly, waking up at the smallest sounds and then struggling to get back to sleep. I am sure this is some sort of built in safety mechanism for a mother to protect her young. Unfortunately, I am married to the world’s loudest quiet man so that long after my kids are sleeping through the night, I am still wakened by him and his strange ability to creep and pound at the same time.

The Country Doctor is a night owl. He prefers the wee hours to any others. I have explained to him on numerous occasions, that I do not share his proclivity for two a.m. and three a.m. and four a.m. to no avail. He claims he is “quiet as a mouse.” He claims he is “silent as the grave.” He claims to “move with the stealth of ninja” and yet I am awake and he is the one clanging the metal spoon on the cereal bowl as if he were testing out a new drum for Metallica. I lie in bed wondering how much longer he will pound, slam, squeak, and wrench before he finally gives up the ghost. I can hear him creeping from the computer where he has just finished clattering out a missive as if using an ax to type with, and then I hear him silently glide to the kitchen and pick up a bag of chips and crush it into a tiny ball over and over again, pausing only to slam the cabinet doors, open and shut all the drawers in the kitchen, empty all the silverware onto the floor and then rearrange the living room furniture. He finishes his bedtime routine off by tiptoeing up the stairs, where he then sorts through the medicine cabinet tossing all the medicine bottles, and ointments over his shoulder where they clatter to the tile floor. Afterwards he drops to his knees, army crawls to his side of the bed, shimmys under the covers and falls dead asleep while I lay beside him wide awake plotting his grisly demise and making a mental note to make sure I paid the latest life insurance premium .

I feel a strong urge to validate my tale with a witness. My sister stayed with us one night back when the Country Doctor was still in medical school. The next morning she stared at him in awe as she recounted how amazingly noisy he was. She mentioned the pounding and the slamming and the stomping and the clattering. I have never felt so vindicated in my entire life. Thank you April for that precious gift. The Country Doctor of course, believes that my sister and I share some sort of genetic intolerance to the mildest squeakings of a gerbil and that since he never makes any noise louder than the sound of a cotton ball landing on a bath towel, it is we who have the problem and not of course, himself.

As a new bride and shortly thereafter a new mother, I was mystified by his need to make enough noise during the hours between midnight and dawn to raise the dead, but I suffered in silence. Until….. Until….

The Country Doctor’s brother, Mr. Panties, was visiting us when our first born was an infant. My nerves were completely fried from waking up every two hours to feed my son and then listening to my husband storm around our small home during the hours in between.

On the eve, that has gone down in infamy as “the night Rechelle became Rechelle” The Country Doctor and Mr. Panties set up camp in the basement. They were having a great time combing through every experience that had ever happened to them since they first became aware of their own existence. I grew tired of this and excused myself to put the baby to bed. Up to that point, I had managed to portray myself as reserved, shy, and even a bit mousy around the CD’s family. The Country Doctor’s family is huge and loud and quite sure of themselves. They are also completely unafraid to forcefully argue a point or issue a proclomation, or interject an opinion. Not really knowing how to fit in with them, I stayed pretty quiet. I laid down in our tiny bedroom where I could clearly hear every word of their conversation in the basement. They were not even trying to talk quietly and their conversation was riddled with loud laughter. I tossed and turned and covered my head with a pillow. I tried counting fluffy sheep jumping over a sweet little fence, but all I could picture was myself kicking the Country Doctor and Mr. Panties through a goal post over and over again. After an hour of this, I raised my gray shrunken head off the pillow. I twisted my trembling, sleepless, ragged frame from the bed, and I silently scuffled to the basement. At the top of the stairs I announced my true self to the world, my new husband and his brother.


A silence rapid and profound, instantly permeated our tiny house. I shuffled back to bed and fell asleep immediately, only to be awakened by my infant son 2.3 seconds later. Mr. Panties never looked at me the same again. The Country Doctor resumed his nightly bedlam shortly thereafter, which still includes the deafening roar that he has never been able to hear. And I… well I… still scuffle to the top of the stairs and tell him to PUHLEEEEZ!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY AND RIGHT AND GOOD IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU PLEEEEEZ SHUT THE HELL UP! After which a gorgeous silence descends… and I sleep.

Ask The Country Doctor

February 22nd, 2008

During the move last Spring, I discovered two shoe boxes full of pictures that I had never sorted, or put in an album, or framed or anything. Actually the truth is that I always knew about those two boxes of photos. I kept them on a shelf above the washer and the dryer and I had been tossing packets of photos into those two boxes for years. But the move forced me to physically lift the boxes, touch the photos, glance through them, and I knew I would have to eventually get them organized.

Last night, I started sorting the boxes. I now have eight messy piles with labels like “Brothers”, “Extended Family”, “Old House” and “Friends”. I plan to loosely organize these photos and put them in albums according to their categories. I am not even going to try to place them in any sort of accurate order. It may not make the most sense, but it will at least tuck the photos securely away in an album where we can occasionally look at them.

As a blogger the photos were something of a goldmine of ideas and future stories. There are photos from my childhood and from the Country Doctor’s childhood and from our wedding and our rehearsal dinner. I found cheerleading photos and pictures of my sister as an infant grabbing handfuls of my birthday cake right off my plate. She still does that. I also found pictures of me going through a heavy duty, post college, granola phase and pictures from my freshman year at KU. But I think we should start with someone else. Don’t you? Someone far more deserving of a photo tribute than little old me. I pick…The Country Doctor!

Here we have The Country Doctor covered by his offspring. He was probably about six months into his three year residency at this point. These three little boys didn’t see him much, so when they did, they demanded a wrestling match, which the Country Doctor inevitably lost. It appears they knocked him unconscious in this particular bout.

This is a picture from April’s wedding. I think this may have been our third or fourth date. He is talking to my grandmother Edna. It was one of the few times they ever got to talk as she passed away a year later. She liked him though. She liked him a lot. Which she kept telling me over and over again, every time I talked to her.

For Halloween one year I actually made all three of my boy’s costumes. Drew was the baby back then and I made him a pair of angel wings by gluing a feather boa to two hangers that I somehow attached together.

And here we have the Country Doctor and his hot new girlfriend! We’d been dating about six months by the taking of this picture. He seems to be getting used to the fact that he is dating a genuine grade A goofball.

So after viewing the evidence presented, do you have any questions for the man? I have absolutely nothing to pester him with these days and I can’t bear it much longer. Feel free to ask a question of the Country Doctor or the Country Doctor’s Wife in the comments. I’ll try to get his answers up a little sooner than last time, but I can’t make any promises.

Now lineup all your babies and all your co-workers and all your bosses, and all the people standing around you in the produce aisle and if you are alone then line up all your favorite books and all your most well worn slippers and kiss them right down the row for me! One, two, three, four and then ask a question… there you go! Over and out – Me.

The mantle is installed

February 17th, 2008