Beware The Dreaded LBS Deer!

January 13th, 2008

Sometimes customers at the garden center are so determined that the problems with their plants are absolutely, impossibly, absurdly, difficult to diagnose – that you have to get a little inventive to give them a solution.

Fortunately – this is not a problem for me…
Customer – I have a strange question for you…
Me – I bet you do.
Customer – Uh…   Well, I have a Little Princess Spirea…
Me – How strange!
Customer – Uh… that is not the strange part.
Me – Thank God!
Customer – Is there anyone else here that can help me?
Me – (In a high pitched mimicking tone) Is there anyone else that can help me?
Customer – Is that supposed to be funny?
Me – Are you ever going to get to your question?
Customer – Oh… okay – So I have this Little Princess Spirea and all the bottom leaves are gone!
Me – Gone?
Customer – Yes, they are gone!  The top leaves are still there, but the bottom leaves have completely disappeared!
Me – Fungus?
Customer – Impossible!
Me – Insects?
Customer – Never!
Me – Disease?
Customer – Surely you jest!
Me – Too much water?
Customer – Do you think I am an imbecile?
Me – Not enough water?
Customer – Ha!  Do you realize I have an advanced degree in every known horticultural science known to mankind?  I think I can properly water a plant!
Me – Okay then… do you have a cat?
Customer – Absolutely not!
Me – Are there any deer in the area?
Customer – Deer eating the bottom branches of a shrub!?!  What are you… an idiot?  I think the deer would eat the top branches  not the bottom branches!
Me – Yes well… have you not heard of the pygmy legless belly sliding deer?
Customer – The what?
Me – The pygmy legless belly sliding deer!  Surely someone of your garden knowledge stature has heard of them?  They are extremely rare – but oh how they love the Little Princess Spirea!
Customer – They do?
Me – Yes they do… and of course the poor creatures can not reach the top branches of any shrub.
Customer – Of course they can’t!
Me – Yes, because of the… you know… the legless part.
Customer – Why didn’t I think of it?
Me – That is what we are here for.
Customer – So what can I do?
Me – An infestation of the pygmy legless belly sliding deer is virtually impossible to combat.  
Customer – Oh…
Me – I have heard that midnight modern dancing around a campfire sometimes helps.
Customer – Really?
Me – Uhuh – but uh… it only works if they dancer is um… is um… completely naked!
Customer – Oh…
Me – Yes… buck naked AND you have to spread butter and jam all over your backside!
Customer – Well… I guess it is worth a try.
Me – Good luck!
Customer – Thanks!
Originally published September 4, 2008


  • LadyFi:

    Now you’ll have to watch out for the dreaded naked butt dancing fever!Just love your blog!

  • Sharon:

    Since the Little Princess Spirea is only 2′ tall, those legless belly sliding deer must be pigmy deer as well. ;)

  • lailani:

    You will have watch your paper for the local arrested for public nudity claiming the local garden center told him to do it! Hehe funny story!

  • Jenni:

    Bwahahahaha! You kill me, Rechelle! Of course dh heard me laughing hysterically and insisted that I read this post to him. (It’s even better read aloud.) He got this very strange look on his face and then said, “This is NOT a real conversation.” Uh, ya think? ROFLMAO! I just know he’s picturing the whole nekkid dancing scene right now. He won’t be able to shake that image for the rest of the day.

  • Rechelle:

    Sharon – You are absolutely right! I forgot those deer are also pygmy. I had to add that in!

  • Kristine:

    You have way too much fun at your job. :)

  • Heidi:

    You keep me in stichs my dear friend!!!

  • Gettysburg Mom:

    Thanks to you, I finally understand what my neighbors have been up to! Thank God- I thought they were just odd.

  • Sally-Ann:

    I don’t know about dreaded naked butt dancing fever, but we have bare butt bunny bowling at my house!I love your creativity

  • Caution Flag:

    Okay. I’ll buy that explanation and solution. Now, what do you know about my 12 inch dead Maple tree?

  • Beki:

    LMAO!!! And Shelly-Ann I think I need to hear more about this bare butt bunny bowling!!

  • Heidi Ashworth:

    This is too funny–and thanks for keeping up my add far beyond its time. I am starting to feel guilty . .

  • Accidental Housewife:

    Wow I am so impressed with your gardening knowledge. I mean to know exactly what a Little Princess Spirea is is amazing. I would have said a what? That being said I also would have guessed it to be the dreaded jack-a-lope. But hey what do I know? I’m not a garden expert!:)

  • Rhea:

    hahaha You’re creating a whole new set of problems with that solution!Love it.Have you ever seen Master of Disguise? You might like it…

  • Southern Gal:

    When I first saw the headline, I thought, "The Mormons have their own deer now!?" Then I remembered that the term is not "Latter BAY Saints" & kept reading :)


    Now THAT is funny!

  • Baba:

    ROFL, again you make me giggle so much.

  • Debbie:

    Well, if I see headlines about someone being found dancing butt naked around a fire at midnight, I’ll know why.Too funny.

  • Susan:

    One wonders what you put in your coffee.

  • Jen @ J&J Acres:

    I was blog hopping and found yours. I love your customer service skills! I mean- the problem solving! the correct term for the legless belly sliding deer! You crack me up!!

  • Jen @ J&J Acres:

    I was blog hopping and found yours. I love your customer service skills! I mean- the problem solving! the correct term for the legless belly sliding deer! You crack me up!!

  • Jen @ J&J Acres:

    I was blog hopping and found yours. I love your customer service skills! I mean- the problem solving! the correct term for the legless belly sliding deer! You crack me up!!

  • tims_mom:

    Umm…isn’t legless belly sliding deer known as “ground venison”LOL…okay, well it WAS funny when I typed it..

  • Far Side of Fifty:

    Well now that you made me laugh so hard I peed my pants..I hope you are happy! Between you and your sister, I can’t decide who is funnier? Great Blog!!

  • Jaclyn Bailey:

    PLEASE tell me you actually said that and it wasnt a case of “boy I wish I had said…” To friggen funny!

  • Adventure girl wanna be:

    You are funny! I am a newbie! I love your site. You look like my friend Julie and she is awesome:)I watched a movie you recommended and now I can’t remember what it was called or find it on your website. It was a book you read as a child and you asked readers to watch the movie and you were giving some of the DVD’s away?? The wacky family in England???

  • noble pig:

    OMG this is hysterical. I just choked on a crust of bread. You slay me.

  • pogonip:

    Sounds like you’ll be glad when the planting season is over (and not a moment too soon)!

  • Alisa:

    There is an absolute reason God put you in the garden center. Yes there is.Does this work on Princess Leias as well?