Sometimes customers at the garden center are so determined that the problems with their plants are absolutely, impossibly, absurdly, difficult to diagnose – that you have to get a little inventive to give them a solution.
Fortunately – this is not a problem for me…
Customer – I have a strange question for you…
Me – I bet you do.
Customer – Uh… Well, I have a Little Princess Spirea…
Me – How strange!
Customer – Uh… that is not the strange part.
Me – Thank God!
Customer – Is there anyone else here that can help me?
Me – (In a high pitched mimicking tone) Is there anyone else that can help me?
Customer – Is that supposed to be funny?
Me – Are you ever going to get to your question?
Customer – Oh… okay – So I have this Little Princess Spirea and all the bottom leaves are gone!
Me – Gone?
Customer – Yes, they are gone! The top leaves are still there, but the bottom leaves have completely disappeared!
Me – Fungus?
Customer – Impossible!
Me – Insects?
Customer – Never!
Me – Disease?
Customer – Surely you jest!
Me – Too much water?
Customer – Do you think I am an imbecile?
Me – Not enough water?
Customer – Ha! Do you realize I have an advanced degree in every known horticultural science known to mankind? I think I can properly water a plant!
Me – Okay then… do you have a cat?
Customer – Absolutely not!
Me – Are there any deer in the area?
Customer – Deer eating the bottom branches of a shrub!?! What are you… an idiot? I think the deer would eat the top branches not the bottom branches!
Me – Yes well… have you not heard of the pygmy legless belly sliding deer?
Customer – The what?
Me – The pygmy legless belly sliding deer! Surely someone of your garden knowledge stature has heard of them? They are extremely rare – but oh how they love the Little Princess Spirea!
Customer – They do?
Me – Yes they do… and of course the poor creatures can not reach the top branches of any shrub.
Customer – Of course they can’t!
Me – Yes, because of the… you know… the legless part.
Customer – Why didn’t I think of it?
Me – That is what we are here for.
Customer – So what can I do?
Me – An infestation of the pygmy legless belly sliding deer is virtually impossible to combat.
Customer – Oh…
Me – I have heard that midnight modern dancing around a campfire sometimes helps.
Customer – Really?
Me – Uhuh – but uh… it only works if they dancer is um… is um… completely naked!
Customer – Oh…
Me – Yes… buck naked AND you have to spread butter and jam all over your backside!
Customer – Well… I guess it is worth a try.
Me – Good luck!
Customer – Thanks!
Originally published September 4, 2008
Now you’ll have to watch out for the dreaded naked butt dancing fever!
Just love your blog!
Since the Little Princess Spirea is only 2′ tall, those legless belly sliding deer must be pigmy deer as well. ;)
You will have watch your paper for the local arrested for public nudity claiming the local garden center told him to do it! Hehe funny story!
Bwahahahaha! You kill me, Rechelle! Of course dh heard me laughing hysterically and insisted that I read this post to him. (It’s even better read aloud.) He got this very strange look on his face and then said, “This is NOT a real conversation.” Uh, ya think? ROFLMAO! I just know he’s picturing the whole nekkid dancing scene right now. He won’t be able to shake that image for the rest of the day.
Sharon – You are absolutely right! I forgot those deer are also pygmy. I had to add that in!
You have way too much fun at your job. :)
You keep me in stichs my dear friend!!!
Thanks to you, I finally understand what my neighbors have been up to! Thank God- I thought they were just odd.
I don’t know about dreaded naked butt dancing fever, but we have bare butt bunny bowling at my house!
I love your creativity
http://wombatsinthebelfry.blogspot.com
Okay. I’ll buy that explanation and solution. Now, what do you know about my 12 inch dead Maple tree?
LMAO!!! And Shelly-Ann I think I need to hear more about this bare butt bunny bowling!!
This is too funny–and thanks for keeping up my add far beyond its time. I am starting to feel guilty . .
Wow I am so impressed with your gardening knowledge. I mean to know exactly what a Little Princess Spirea is is amazing. I would have said a what?
That being said I also would have guessed it to be the dreaded jack-a-lope. But hey what do I know? I’m not a garden expert!:)
hahaha You’re creating a whole new set of problems with that solution!
Love it.
Have you ever seen Master of Disguise? You might like it…
When I first saw the headline, I thought, "The Mormons have their own deer now!?" Then I remembered that the term is not "Latter BAY Saints" & kept reading :)
Now THAT is funny!
ROFL, again you make me giggle so much.
Well, if I see headlines about someone being found dancing butt naked around a fire at midnight, I’ll know why.
Too funny.
One wonders what you put in your coffee.
I was blog hopping and found yours. I love your customer service skills! I mean- the problem solving! the correct term for the legless belly sliding deer! You crack me up!!
I was blog hopping and found yours. I love your customer service skills! I mean- the problem solving! the correct term for the legless belly sliding deer! You crack me up!!
I was blog hopping and found yours. I love your customer service skills! I mean- the problem solving! the correct term for the legless belly sliding deer! You crack me up!!
Umm…isn’t legless belly sliding deer known as “ground venison”
LOL…
okay, well it WAS funny when I typed it..
Well now that you made me laugh so hard I peed my pants..I hope you are happy! Between you and your sister, I can’t decide who is funnier? Great Blog!!
http://www.areavoices.com/farside/
PLEASE tell me you actually said that and it wasnt a case of “boy I wish I had said…” To friggen funny!
You are funny! I am a newbie! I love your site. You look like my friend Julie and she is awesome:)
I watched a movie you recommended and now I can’t remember what it was called or find it on your website. It was a book you read as a child and you asked readers to watch the movie and you were giving some of the DVD’s away?? The wacky family in England???
OMG this is hysterical. I just choked on a crust of bread. You slay me.
Sounds like you’ll be glad when the planting season is over (and not a moment too soon)!
There is an absolute reason God put you in the garden center. Yes there is.
Does this work on Princess Leias as well?