The Great Stinkin' Stink Off

October 24th, 2007

My house stinks….I mean stiiiinks! I mean el stencho, la crapola, stinkity stink stink stink. It has stunk for several weeks, but it seems to come and go. Just when it gets unbearable, we seem to find the problem and it disappears for a day or two. Then while we have our guards down, the stink rests up, regains it’s strength, and comes back with a vicious second wind.

We have a shower in the main floor bathroom that no one is using. Evidently the lack of use can lead to the evaporation of water in the “trap” which can cause stinkage to seep into the house. So I ran some water in the shower and the smell went away for a few days. But it is back. Back with a vengeance. Back with a fly covered fist, straight up the nose that leaves me searching desperately all over the house for the giant pile of poo that must be located right beside a roaring fan that is blowing the reeking reekage into every crack and every crevice in the house.

Then… our heater wouldn’t turn on and even if I am participating in Crunchy’s heat challenge, and keeping our heat down to 65 at night and 6…8 uh I mean 69 during the day – I am not willing to try and survive without any heat at all.

So I called our plumber who is also our heat/AC guy and they came right out. I stumbled to the door on my frost bitten toes to let him in. As soon as I opened the door, the force of the smell hit him straight between the eyes. He gasped for breath, and crumpled to one knee. I had forgotten how bad the house smelled as I was prancing around trying to keep warm.

After I revived the plumber by squirting some lysol directly up his nose, he went about searching for the source of the stink. He poked his nose STRAIGHT into the open pipe under the bathroom sink on the main floor that is yet to be “hooked up”and said, “yep, pretty ripe.”

Then he went about sniffing the rest of the house, trying to figure out where else the great waves of wafting stink might be coming from. He dumped some water down our basement drains. He told me to place a cap on the outside sewer vent, he fixed the heater, and as he left, he gestured vaguely around my gorgeous, brand spankin new, classic American, stink hole of a farm house and said, “no one should have to live like this.”

As soon as my nasal passages started to defrost, I too started to smell my house. And girlfriends (and the occasional boyfriend) there ain’t no scented candle big enough to mask the wretched puddle of sickly brown greenish yuck of which my home currently smells.

The plumber promised he would be back. He promised to bring reinforcements, which I hope to God includes a specially trained dog to sniff out the exact location of the reeking problem, but for now, he is gone and I am still here… half frozen…in a brand new house…that smells like an open sewer. There is only one appropriate expression to end this blog with and I am trying with all my might to hold it back. Trying…try…ing…but c’mon…. Shit…shit shit shit….SHIT!!!!! Sorry about that – but that is what it is.

Comments

  • Crunchy Chicken:

    Holly crap balls! I can’t believe you are having problems in your new house already. Shit, is right.

  • Donna Boucher:

    You poor thing!!!I hate bad smelling things.I’m so sorry!

  • Vonda:

    Oh shit, er pooh!

  • chocolatechic:

    ewwwwwww!I school down in the basement, and my desk is right beside the sewer drain. It gets smelly sometimes, but not nearly that bad.ewwwwwww! I suggest going on a mini-vacation or just heartedly dose yourself with chocolate.

  • Staci at Writing and Living:

    Oooh! Oooh! I know this one! I know this one! Because, ah, I had a “friend” who had this problem, too.It is the water evaporating out of the trap. A plumber once told me that if you put just a little bit of oil (like, cooking oil) down those drains, too, the water won’t evaporate quite as fast.Ah, the joys of having a septic system.

  • Jenni:

    You know, we had that same problem when we first built our house. We built the house ourselves (except the heatin and air, plumbing, and electric), and so we would come out and work on it all day and then go home at night. The bathrooms weren’t getting used like they do now, and we had that nasty smell every morning when we got to work. The plumber took care of it somehow, but I don’t remember any details. It was BAAAAAD!Ah, I see Writing and Living there has said it has to do with having a septic system. THAT would be why I never experienced it before building a brand-spanking new house in the country.

  • Rechelle:

    Crunchy – I am laughing pretty hard at the resurrection of Holly Crap Balls.

  • Marilyn:

    Holy Crapola, Rechelle, you’ve got yourself a stinker of a problem! No one hates stinky house more than me…except you. Everything will be coming up roses soon. In the meantime, break out the Febreze!

  • Mary:

    Wow, so sorry to hear that..I’ll be stinking, uh, I mean thinking about you. Hope you get it fixed soon.xoxo,Mary

  • Renovation Therapy:

    I see a Bath & Body Works lavendar scented plug-in air freshener in your future. They really are the strongest air fresheners. I had a possum with intestinal issues in the basement last winter…he smelled bad too. Apparently decon isn’t a great entree for them.

  • Crunchy Chicken:

    Rechelle – I think you need to design, in all your copious spare time, an official “Holly Crap Ball” ornament that you can sell for the holidays. I swear that will bring more traffic to your blog than any ad on PW’s site.

  • claudia:

    We, too, had a stink problem once. It seemed to move from time to time. As it turned out it was an Easter egg (boiled, of course) that our grandson hid in a pot plant that I moved around ‘from time to time’! We found it sometime during our hot Texas summer. P-U!

  • Anonymous:

    I laughed so hard when I read this I think I actually almost lost consciousness for a moment.Found you through PW’s site.Kelly in Colorado